earnestly seeking Him

“And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him”
(Hebrews 11:6, NIV)

 "...earnestly seek Him"       hmm... something to think about.  Just that piece of the verse made me think this morning.  I remember waking up and thinking, "I've prayed this week, but have I been to church since I've moved?  Have I journaled lately out of guilt, or because I was seeking a connection with God?"  As I walked out the door, I grabbed my book for the T but I also grabbed my journal.

 Let's be real here.  I'll be on the T for about 40 minutes getting back to Medford later this afternoon, and will I read Stephen King, or will I journal?  This book I've been reading is seriously addicting.  But for the first time in a couple weeks my brain is getting used to this new hectic schedule I've accumulated, and now it clicked; where has you heart been sitting with God this month?  

 My faith is something that is never waivering or shaken.  The thing that is hard to keep up is feeling that God is with you, and actively having Him in your heart throughout the day.  I sometimes envy those women with smiles on their faces, a tune under their breath, and an aura of serenity about them.  Maybe they're going through hard times, but they seem to just know that God is right there holding their hand and singing with them.  

I'm the sort of person that is disappointed easily, I put on a good tough persona and tell people how it is, but in the end I cover up a lot of things.  I used to show all of my emotions but I started to feel like it hurt my relationships/friendships and made me look weak or needy.  Now I appear to be very strong, and I am not saying I'm a weak person, but I'm very good at "repressing everything down" and hiding it.  (I quote that because a close friend of mine once said she thought I was happy and that I must repress everything if I was bothered by the negatives of my life.)

I need to just be more settled in this new life of mine.  For the first time in a long time I feel like I'm no longer transitioning and that my job and opportunities are realistic and long term.  God should be a bigger part of that, and today is one of those days where I'm noticing it.  I am noticing that my heart misses Him and I don't want to shut Him out of this new life that He provided me with.  He blessed me financially, with friends, a good living situation, and lots of opportunity that I just have to work really hard for.  Along with all of that, I want to "earnestly seek Him."  Otherwise, everything else doesn't really have much meaning and just gets lost in the shuffle.