Saturday, October 15, 2011

bitches and liars like to burn matches and spread fire, but can't deal with the heat when everything burns up around them

*disclaimer:  this does not talk about ONE person, just a lot who have contributed to hurting my feelings as of late whether it was by blatant or subtle action.

I find that throughout my life since about the middle of high school, I have had trouble making and keeping friendships with girls.  Guys, not a problem, and a lot of the time I figured it was because I just don't care about the same things that girls always care about.  I don't like to gossip about girls that I don't know, I never know who "so-and-so" just broke up with, and I have no idea which girl can't stand some other girl.

First of all, I don't even bother asking.  If you're not a friend of mine and we don't talk on a regular basis, it's none of my business which guy friend of ours you have a crush on, and who you've just broken up with.  So honestly, people can't be mad that I don't know these things.  That's the other thing, girls can be deemed nosy or bitchy for asking too many questions and getting into other girls' personal lives, or they can just be labeled as a snob for not caring.

Here's my main reason for not always being able to initially connect with other girls:  I don't know how to approach them and actually talk to them to show them that I'm a nice girl who really would love to be friends with them.  It's essentially the same way that a science geek boy feels about approaching a cheerleader and ask her to prom.  I get nervous, I automatically assume that a girl will not like me or doesn't want to talk to me, and sometimes maybe I might be right because I find no problem or hesitance with speaking to the men we know.

Fast forward to something that has happened to me many times:  girls that don't know me, often tell other people that I must be sleeping with these guy friends of mine that I laugh and act somewhat flirty with.  With an open personality like mine, I often have flirty tendencies.  I'll admit this fully, and I will say that I find nothing wrong with it, but could this possibly be that a girl who has no connection with me would rather assume that I'm a slut instead of bothering to get to know me?

This used to make me really angry, but as of late it just plain hurts my feelings.  In college I would say, "fuck you I'll never have to talk to you again and we're in a temporary state of our lives".  Nowadays I'm trying so hard to fit in to this group of people in the scene I've fallen in love with in Boston, and these girls would just as soon assume that a guy who drives me home or walks me to the bus stop because they're my friend and are being NICE and not letting me go home ALONE in the ghetto of Charlestown or wherever else, that I just must be a slut and I'm fucking them.  Sorry for trying to be safe and having guys for friends. 

But then again, we all know some people are gossipers and find any excuse to stir things up whether they are male or female because they get a kick out of it and don't realize how much it hurts your feelings.  I've even had guys tell other people we know that they've fucked me or that we had something going on between us even though it literally was the opposite of true.  Most groups I've been a part of, at some point people start making things up when they don't bother to be friends with me in the first place, they assume I don't like them when I'm kind of just afraid to approach them because girls can be so mean and judgy, and at some point I feel like I can't trust anyone and I tend to give up which is why I quit my sorority when I could barely connect with anyone due to my shyness and their inability to care.  People will lie and accuse and assume, but they will never admit to half of their own shit that's probably worse, or logically admit that they never took the time to talk to the parties concerned and find out the truth.

I don't know what goes on in a guys mind when he thinks it's ok to just make things up.  Or girls for that matter when they just assume things without bothering to ask you in the first place.  People in general don't realize how much it hurts another person when they're using them as a form of entertainment in a negative and piercing way.  You don't consider feelings or circumstance or reality when you want something to talk about to distract you from a shitty day, right?  You don't consider that maybe it causes a whirlwind that's uncontrollable gossip and can do permanent damage to how a person is viewed by others because people would rather believe negative shit and enjoy it than think they're just some person and haven't really done anything worth talking about, especially nothing that concerns you.

Long story short, I've done a lot of dumb things in my life, but one thing I can pride myself on is that I'm not a gossiper or a bold face liar, and I don't bother with other people's shit unless it concerns me.  If someone wants to fuck half the people we know, I don't care unless they got knocked up or they're trying to fuck my boyfriend.  Then it's either funny or they might get punched.  But I also know what it means to be a fucking professional and I'm trying to be an actor.  I went through my crazy college days, I don't need more mistakes following me around, and I'm attempting to be an actor and a fucking professional human being.

Most of my friends are dudes, I get along with them better than judgmental and girls who care about dumb things that I don't care to even consider unless you care enough to be my friend and you tell me it's important to you that I should care about them.  Your past, your feelings, your past relationships, your things that annoy you, I will never know these things so you can't expect dick from me and then shut me out.  Guys don't give a crap about this stuff either, maybe I should just start telling people I'm a lesbian and they'll get that my concerns are not those of a cliquey high school chick.  I don't watch other people and guess who they're hooking up with, I just like to enjoy my life and be good to other people and not intentionally slander them or hurt them and that's it.

So deal with it.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

50th post

This weekend a lot of stuff happened.  I felt mad, ditched, and unappreciated for different reasons and by different people.  But I also felt achieved, loved, and helpful to others for a few different reasons and different people as well.  Let me rant first and then I'll gloat.

Here's a tip to any male readers that are thinking of me in any romantic or inappropriate capacity:  if you want anything from me, you will not even get a hint of the color of my panties unless you also want to know what my favorite color is.  Or my favorite food, what I like to do in my free time, what my hobbies are, what makes me laugh, annoyed, sad, mad, or anything related to the above.  I'm a girl who's all the over the place with my likes, dislikes, emotions and creativity.  I do a lot of things, I like to be busy, and I'm a giant ball of energy that's going to be in your face and never misses a beat, especially if it's a beat of bullshit waiting to be called out. 

Long story short:  a date.  Girls want dates.  It has nothing to do with money.  It has nothing to do with being spoiled.  It has to do with the fact that two people who are interested in each other should get to know each other on an intellectual level of intimacy before getting intimate, *ahem* on other levels.   If a guy makes an effort to show that he has respect for a woman that he admires, then he gains her respect in return.  By hanging out with a female before 10pm in public, you are saying that you are proud to be with this girl for all the world to see that you have positive intentions.  And a date does not mean girlfriend, it just means you're being a decent human being by getting to know someone and going about it in the proper order.  I went to college, and hookups and backwards "relationships" that are nothing like having an honest and real connection with someone, are just not my thing anymore.  Pretty sure I quit my sorority days of making myself a little too available.  The next guy that says to me, "Hey come over to my place" I just want to punch you in the dick.

I guess it would be mildly appropriate that this 50th post is a post of a new beginning.  I post a lot of those.  I usually say, "This time I'm serious" or "I really mean this this time."  But what are you gonna do, right?  You live and you learn to make the same stupid mistakes over and over again until your head hurts to much to get back up and make the mistake again.  Your tears dry up and you just can't even cry anymore over the things you used to cry over, even though you really want to and maybe being sad was a comfort of familiarity.  Being happy is almost too foreign to enjoy.  Something is bound to go wrong when you're this happy.  Then somehow you're right.  But that's the lesson of stupidity.  Hit yourself in the head with a rock enough times and thinking that the rock will squeeze out water is just giving you a headache.  (I'm not always good with metaphoric rants at 2am)

OK done with this subject.  I'm moving forward with myself and I refuse to get into the nasty habit of dwelling anymore.  IN OTHER NEWS I ran a 5k this weekend.  There is nothing better than doing something you thought you could never do, and actually succeeding without fucking up.  The first mile, I was basically pulling The Tortoise and The Hare routine.  I started off much slower than most people around me, but ended up passing them by maintaining the speed and then ran the first mile in under eleven minutes, and ended up power walking a lot of the second mile, but then started running again in the third.  I could barely believe it!! 

I was convinced I was in terrible shape, and there I was doing something to prove that I had it in me.  As I'm jogging along and squeezing my side to hold in a cramp, I thought, "It's just you and me, God.  We doin this thing?  For everyone else who's running and for the homeless coalition, it's just you and me keeping this pace."  An older gentlemen came up alongside me as we had been passing each other a good deal of the second mile, and he says, "Come on now, you have to beat ME!" We finished together, as I decided we were in the same team of attempting to not puke or lose a lung.  (It wasn't that bad...)

Running has always been something I thought, "I can't do that.  I'll never have the stamina or lung power to run."  Guess what?  I proved myself wrong.  Maybe I'll keep doing more of these.  Maybe I'll even keep running as something I do on a regular basis instead of the elyptical. 

Crazy times for Miss India Pearl changing herself in a lot of ways this past year.  We're all here to find happiness whilst running along the road of life, right?  Is that the finish line?  Well I'm getting there, no matter how many times I fall on the pavement on the way.