Wednesday, December 26, 2012

What happened to Christmas? You blink and then it's over.

So Christmas is over. I spent two days running around like a crazy person because I have two families, (three if you count my boyfriend's since we went there yesterday as well) and I feel like all I got out of it was a million pairs of socks and a broken break line in my mother's car.  (If you're wondering, then yes I almost died on the Pike this afternoon because the pedal wasn't working.  Great day following a fantastic morning.)

Where did the quality time with family go? Every place I went it I was just starting to get comfortable and more people would show up excited to see me, and then I had to leave again. My little cousin wanted to snuggle with me on the couch in her little pink boots and it was for all of 5 minutes until I had to put her down and get my stuff together.  I saw my dad for a few minutes of small talk and hugs and felt rushed and overwhelmed.  Walking into my mother's was like walking into a dorm room party, too many people walking over each other and too much stuff in the smallest space possible. 

Where was Jesus this year on His birthday? I went to church, but it felt like it was 30 seconds long and for some reason instead of packed from altar to doorway, this year the place was more than half empty.  The sermon was really meaningful and I started getting a little homesick sitting there, happy that I could share this place that was such a big part of my teen years with my boyfriend and some friends.  But why didn't people show up? Not to mention that no one said Grace at one meal I was partaking in, the entire two days. Yeah ok, the whole family isn't incredibly religious, but can't we show respect that it's The Lord's birthday and just pretend for 30 seconds that we give a crap over more than presents?

Is everyone tired this year?  Did the stress get to more people than just me?  I'm usually sad that Christmas is over in a normal way, but I'm horribly disappointed this year.  I felt rushed, uncomfortable, I was fighting with my boyfriend for going on 3 days now, and everyone keeps telling me, "Oh it's ok now, it's all over. No need to stress out anymore" I DIDN'T WANT IT TO BE OVER!! Can someone please understand this?  I love Christmas.  I love stockings, lights, trees, Christmas movies and specials, carols, presents, and being with my family even if other people hate it.  All these Christmas movies about people hating their family... I get it because it's funny, but honestly is everyone's house like that?

No.  Most people don't have a huge issue with being at home and having some cocktails with funny uncles and spoiling your sister's kids because they're not yours. But did I get to have quality time? I had a panic attack on Christmas Eve with all my running around, and my Christmas Day I looked at the clock at almost 9pm and was incredibly upset that it was already over and my boyfriend and I were still in a fucking fight since apologies apparently don't translate well via text. For the record, I had fun drinking wine and socializing.  However, the general uneasiness of others and having to leave places the second I got there was making me miserable.

You know what?  I'm still home.  My Christmas tree is still lit, and our stockings are still hung.  I still have friends to see, and I'm watching Christmas movies right now.  You know why?  Because my Christmas isn't fucking over.  In fact, when I see my friends tonight I think I will tell them that we are having "Navidad Parte Dos" and I don't want anyone arguing with me about it.  It's not over until the fat lady sings at midnight on New Years Eve so there. I don't care how grumpy everyone else chooses to be around the holidays, and I'm sick and tired of hearing how much other people hate their families and referring to the most wonderful time of the year as a "let's just get through this" ordeal.  I want to have fun and believe you me, I will.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

oh christmas tree, oh christmas tree, why are you so depressing?

So it's December 1st.  It's a Saturday, and yet again I feel like I'm doing nothing with my life.  What did I do today realistically?  I filmed the finishing touches for a horror movie (my first full length film I've had a real role in) then I came home and did some research for my next youtube video I'm doing this week, and went out to a comedy show to see some of my friends.  And yet, here I am all of a sudden massively feeling as though I made a huge mistake in what I just typed and really accomplished nothing today.

Also I feel like an asshole because I was invited to a party tonight and forgot, but I have a fairly annoying head cold at the moment and probably would've drank myself into a really bad head cold if I had remembered, but that doesn't make me feel any less like a jerk and like I missed out on a lot of fun tonight...ugh.

I have a problem with feeling satisfied with myself.  I know everyone says that, but it's really true for me.  Do I make enough money?  Enough to get by, but I'm still considered poor.  Am I an actor for a living?  Yes, but I want to be in Hollywood.  Isn't my favorite time of the year Christmastime?  Of course, and somehow I feel awfully depressed at the same time every year.  So what's the issue here?  Like the saying goes, IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD, KID!

Right now, I'm sitting in my diningroom, thinking about how much of a failure my day was because I didn't record my youtube video.  Staring at my lit up Christmas tree as my only source of light aside from my computer screen, and trying not to kick myself over not doing it.  Instead, I got lost in watching other youtube videos whilst researching for mine, and my cold made me feel gross so I lost interest in recording for the day.  Will I still get my video out by Tuesday night?  Well I really hope so, I need to stay committed to this unlike all my other failed endeavors, like learning to play guitar beyond simple chords and knitting something better than a scarf.

Sometimes I feel like this blog is also a failed endeavor.  I don't want a vast audience, no that's not it, but I wish I posted more often than once in a blue moon, but I never want to post when I'm happy.  Why the hell am I so happy all the time that I can't be creative anymore?  I almost stopped writing music altogether after I met my boyfriend about a year ago, one song all year and I'm another failed guitar player who fucked around with it in college like every other emo kid with a broken heart and a notepad.  Instead I post funny pictures of babies on instagram and I'm skinnier than I've been in years because I stopped drinking away my feelings.  Thank God my comedy isn't self-deprecating, otherwise I'd stop being funny too!

I should be excited about Christmas.  I am, I mean I'm excited about it every time that I buy someone else a gift, and I'm excited about seeing my family and the next three weeks of holiday cheer.  I'm even excited about snowy days now that we're probably having a normal winter this year.  But I'm sad today.  Can I be sad today?  What right do I have to be sad?  I'm such a brat complaining about my life the way that it is.  But I felt stagnant this afternoon, like I wasn't able to do anything exciting with my entire life because it was all weighing on the lonely and lazy afternoon I had.

Christmas has always been connected with loneliness for me, and I can't seem to figure out why.  Maybe because my teen years were always boyfriendless and I never got a puppy from Santa like my mom predicted.  I think I posted about this last year, really I should be praying and thanking Jesus for this wonderful time of year, but instead I listen to Frank Sinatra's Christmas album and try not to tear up.  My boyfriend loves me and I don't know if I have all the time for a puppy that I should.  Yet here we are, India Pearl all sad and staring at her Christmas tree no matter how beautiful it is she can't love it for being so beautiful.  It's taunting me, and luring me into old habits of morbid reflection. Why did we put you up so soon, you twinkling plastic statue of sadness? Can't you go away until the 24th? I think you'd be better appreciated at a Macy's.

The problem with me is that I have a major issue with being by myself.  I don't necessarily mean relationship-wise, but any time at all.  If I'm alone at home for too long, I start to stare at the wall and make up things to be sad about.  I'll remember friends that I fought with and no longer speak to, or rehearse fights over in my head with my boyfriend from months ago and make up different parts of the conversation that I should've said differently and how I failed somehow, or I'll even think about a fight I had with my mother as a teenager and start to wonder how I could've yelled something to win a scrap with her.

One time I delved so deeply into my past anxieties, that I couldn't stop replaying an event that happened in my neighborhood when I was 7, with a girl who wouldn't stop picking on me and I started screaming in her face when she slapped me in front of everyone around us.  My mother saw the whole thing from the window and came to rescue me, told the girl's mother what happened, but the girl's white trash toothless idiot mother didn't give a crap!  She told my mother I should go play somewhere else and she shrugged her shoulders.  Even typing this out makes me want to scream at  her for being so unjust.  If I had been the slapper, my mother would've spanked my fanny until it was raw (not literally, just one of her beloved phrases to show how brutal it could've been if she had in fact ever raised her hand to our fannies. It was a very rare occasion that myself or my sisters' fannies were spanked). Ugh, I just want to punch that little girl and her mother in the face.

My point is, I can already feel myself slipping away into this depressing, past-depending behavior... and it's only December 1st!!  My season at the museum ended a month ago, it took me two weeks of relaxing to push my reset button and two weeks more to realize that the effects of change can only make me happy for so long.  For those of you who actively read my blog, you may notice that when I move somewhere or start something very new, it brings me great happiness... and then after about a month I start to realize that the feeling is only temporary, and I'm still very much insane.

I should've written a much funnier post about my high school reunion. Maybe next week.