Sunday, April 24, 2011

change can be heartbreaking.

Change is inevitable, but what about our beliefs themselves changing?

Life changes as we grow older, and we all know that it does.  We have different friends the older we get, the more our personalities change either the people around us change with us, or we find new friends that suit us better.  Our bodies change; some of us grow into those buck teeth from second grade, or their ears don't seem so disproportionate to their eyeballs anymore, some women gain curves and men become more buff with age, and the rest of them get a bit chubby.

Beliefs change.  When I was a young kid, I didn't believe God existed because I didn't think sickness was something "God" would give.  As I grew older I felt this longing to understand why anything even existed; "what's the point??" I was constantly wondering.  Without any instruction or real reason why, I came to the conclusion that there had to be something.  God started showing me things in dreams.  Images from a mission trip I would attend at 14 entered my dreams at age 8.  Whenever I question an existence I recall the amount of times I have seen things in dreams that later on occurred when God was trying to tell me something. 

I'm sure that other people have their reasons that seem just as solid for them to believe or not believe in a higher being, but one thing I could NEVER understand is going from what seemed like an unshakable faith to deciding not to believe.  Friends that I grew up with, they were like brothers and sisters to me, just woke up one day and thought, "I don't want to live this anymore" (or possibly something similar) and they don't.

This wasn't simply a loss of a moral value or a belief.  One of my friends grew exhausted of their environment and the friends they had felt hurt by in the church, so instead of getting new friends, this person turned their back on God.  Their life is school, their significant other, and their family.  Being personally affected by this person's self-isolation, I don't know how to convince them that they were happy once and it had a lot to do with God.  Christians that are hurt by Christian friends have a hard time staying on track.  I myself had constant fights with God for ending my relationship with a Christian boyfriend a while back, but now I know it was for the best.

Another friend of mine decided they were too smart for it all.  Too many questions were unanswered, and they couldn't find an answer for these questions.  I suspect they had something to do with evolution or something similar.  They also said to me that being a Christian was a hard lifestyle and they just didn't want that lifestyle anymore.  I don't think I've ever been so disappointed in someone when I heard them tell me that.  I couldn't stop crying.

The big thing that I disagree with, is that Christianity is not a lifestyle.  Granted, there are those that live something we call a "Christian lifestyle" but it's not the same thing as say, being a vegetarian.  There are no complete set of a specific person that you have to be for God to accept you and love you and for you to go to Heaven.  Jesus still loves me even though I go out for drinks with my girlfriends and I say "fuck" a lot.  Are there things about myself that I could change for the better?  Of course, but that's more a moral thing and not just a biblical demand.

Christianity is a way of believing and putting your heart into something that may not even be real.  Faith is not a lifestyle.  Faith in Jesus is just that:  FAITH.  I can act out things in my life through having that faith, but whether I flip somebody off in traffic doesn't mean I don't love Jesus just as much as I did beforehand. 

My friends didn't lose a lifestyle, (although they did change theirs completely from the way we used to be) they lost their faith.  I weep for them, and now after adding another to the list, I weep even more.  Will I soon be the only one left?  Will I be all alone in my faith out of the Christian brothers and sisters that I grew up with and built my faith on thinking we were all in this journey of life together?  I can't let God down.  I watched these people that I love cry to God, pray to God, sing to God, play instruments and dance for God, become so ravished with the Holy Spirit that we couldn't stop praising His name for hours on end, fast for over 30 hours, abstain from immoral actions, and many many many other actions took place all from these people that truly did at one point LOVE GOD. 

How can you lose faith?  Can you really have love without faith?  And then there's being able to hope in something... they really do all go together.  I can't come up with anything to explain why losing faith is such a devastation, but honestly my heart shattered every time I heard it from another person I knew, just as I think God's heart shatters when one of His children decide they're better off without their Father.  To not know in the first place is somehow understandable, but to be fully aware of something and have it move your soul and then throw seems to me the same as if someone were to fly a plane, land, and then walk away still claiming flying is impossible for mankind.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, if I didn't have a God to turn to, I would've killed myself a long time ago.  I would rather live my life for something that possibly isn't there, then die to find out that there is.  Looking at some of this change in some that I used to know so well I just think, "Where was I when you lost yourself?  I should've been there."  All I can do is pray and know that no matter how many turn their backs on Him, God never turns His back on you. 

Friday, April 15, 2011

My stomach grumbles while my mind tumbles.

As most of you know, I am currently fasting.  You may also know that I am fasting due to the Republican proposed budget cuts and how upset I am about the potential cut of Planned Parenthood, after school programs, senior programs, Medicare, and Medicaid.  I know that cuts have to be made, and I'm aware that some of these programs aren't perfect the way that they are, but giving a tax BREAK to billion dollar corporations and making a CUT on women that can't afford basic OBGYN care is just awful. 

My friend Ashley wrote an article for the Collegian on this whole thing, and she is joining me in this fast.  There are so many people in on this.

It's day 3, and I wake up hungry, have a day-long lull, maybe get a bit hungry around suppertime, and then get hungry before bed.  But honestly, it's dealable.  You get this weird high when you are telling your body not to feel the way it feels.  Most of the fast and the fight to keep fasting is all a mental game.  Every time I hunger or crave something, I pray about it.  That's part of the fast, is to pray for those less fortunate that are being affected by this cause.

I think that fasting has actually been a big help to clear my mind.  My anxiety has been almost non-existent the past few days, and it's a wonderful to feel such a release.  I think God is really blessing this fast and the line of thought that there are people out there who need help and aren't being helped by cutting a budget on the needy.  I feel as though God is holding my hand through this, because I'm not miserable about giving up food whatsoever.  I'm joyful to be able to have my part in something bigger and better than myself.  I fully plan on keeping up with surviving on caffeine, juice, and a prayer thru next weekend.

The one other thing is that I still haven't been able to ultimately decide between Boston and New York.  I know Boston is safe; it has my friends, family, an apartment and job opportunity, and a not-so-time-consuming internship that will still benefit me to learn about the business.  New York is taking a risk; staying with family and depending on that for the entire summer, while working my ass off as if it were a full-time job that I have to do for free.  I hate not working, but this would jumpstart connections to getting a career. 

I'm told that by fasting God helps you make decisions.  He helps you gain clarity and to grow closer to Him.  I think I need that now more than ever, as I make a huge transition in my life.  Please pray for me during this that God will speak to me, and pray that the vulnerable poverty-level and elderly American citizens will stop getting stepped on by the GOP.  God is love, not neglect.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

My sinuses are going to burst open; pollen is a poison slowly swelling in my cheekbones.

I need a drastic change.  Is graduating drastic enough?  I wish I were blonde again.  But this time, REALLY blonde, no highlights, just beautiful light honey colored reddish blonde.

My hair is feet long.  There is no number, because I'm implying multiples of feet.  The ends are dead, and I have a secretive just-for-me dreadlock underneath the left side of my head.  I may let it fall out; my hair is too thick and wavy to look pretty and smooth in dreads.  Hilary's hair came out so beautiful because her hair was already fine and straight and smooth.  At least, that's the way I see it because my dread looks like a rat made a nest under my ear and it swallowed the bead I put in there.  We'll see what happens.  If I weren't trying to act, I would already have wrist tattoos and a head full of dreads.

The length of my hair is just so... me.  It's a part of me.  I want to cut it to have something new, but at the same time I love when I get that perfect wave and it falls down my back in a heap Having my long hair keeps my face looking thin even when I know it's getting fat.  And don't say "you're not getting fat" because I split two jeans last month and my bras are all tight.

My job is killing my health; there are cookies and doughnuts for free and I can take home whatever.  Breakfast bars from French Meadows seem like a good idea, but I have a feeling it's all sugar and contributing to the massiveness of my thighs.

So maybe what I'll do is this:  I'll wait, and cut off my hair for graduation.  And maybe get that tattoo I wanted, just not on my wrist.  But that's a whole 'nother month away and patience is not one of my strong suits.