Thursday, June 30, 2011

I could write a song about this

.. but I don't want to have one of those really lame cut my wrist songs that sounds like Barney if all the kids left the tree house.  Did he live in a tree house?  My mom hated Barney and never let me watch it, so forgive me if that's a completely wrong interpretation of wherever the heck he hung out with small children.

I think a lot about the friends that I had over college, and mostly the ones I lost touch with.  Some of them we weren't that close to begin with, some of them I couldn't stand in the first place, but some of them I figured we'd stay friends until we had careers and families, but we'd still stay in touch with phone calls and Christmas cards, maybe an annual "let's get drunk and talk about old times" night.  I think it's sad that people lie to your face just because you bump into them that they miss you and they want to hang out with you all the time, and they barely bother to look at a text message and you're eventually strictly commenting on each others' facebooks.

This isn't in reference to my friends that live out of state; obviously we're both guilty of not seeing each other in quite some time, and I apologize that money and school has gotten in the way of us catching up.  I don't like to name names, (I did that when I was fifteen and my livejournal blew up with nasty comments haha oohhhh high school) but I get a little pang of sadness when I start to analyze whether I was really friends with someone in the first place, or if it was simply circumstantial.   Am I better off without them?  Are they better off without me?  Do they want to call me and catch up as well but they figure it's probably been too long?  Maybe something happened where we had a spat and they figure I hold grudges, when in reality I usually forget about something in five minutes and want to move on. 

I know that growing up you lose some friends, but I don't like to let that go.  I think it's stupid to lose touch, because if someone meant a lot to you at an important part of your life, you should keep in touch.  You should try to see them once a year, and keep them in your prayers and good thoughts if they're just not living near you or they're in a different part of life than you are right now. 

So if you're reading this and you think you're one of those friends, just know that I think about you, you, and you, even this friend from fifth grade that I could never find on facebook but we used to have sleepovers every single weekend and then her family ended up in assisted living they were so poor and I wonder if she's pregnant or she went to college because she was so fucking smart. 

Wishing we could equally try to stay in touch,

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

earnestly seeking Him

“And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him”
(Hebrews 11:6, NIV)
 "...earnestly seek Him"       hmm... something to think about.  Just that piece of the verse made me think this morning.  I remember waking up and thinking, "I've prayed this week, but have I been to church since I've moved?  Have I journaled lately out of guilt, or because I was seeking a connection with God?"  As I walked out the door, I grabbed my book for the T but I also grabbed my journal.
 Let's be real here.  I'll be on the T for about 40 minutes getting back to Medford later this afternoon, and will I read Stephen King, or will I journal?  This book I've been reading is seriously addicting.  But for the first time in a couple weeks my brain is getting used to this new hectic schedule I've accumulated, and now it clicked; where has you heart been sitting with God this month?  
 My faith is something that is never waivering or shaken.  The thing that is hard to keep up is feeling that God is with you, and actively having Him in your heart throughout the day.  I sometimes envy those women with smiles on their faces, a tune under their breath, and an aura of serenity about them.  Maybe they're going through hard times, but they seem to just know that God is right there holding their hand and singing with them.  
I'm the sort of person that is disappointed easily, I put on a good tough persona and tell people how it is, but in the end I cover up a lot of things.  I used to show all of my emotions but I started to feel like it hurt my relationships/friendships and made me look weak or needy.  Now I appear to be very strong, and I am not saying I'm a weak person, but I'm very good at "repressing everything down" and hiding it.  (I quote that because a close friend of mine once said she thought I was happy and that I must repress everything if I was bothered by the negatives of my life.)
I need to just be more settled in this new life of mine.  For the first time in a long time I feel like I'm no longer transitioning and that my job and opportunities are realistic and long term.  God should be a bigger part of that, and today is one of those days where I'm noticing it.  I am noticing that my heart misses Him and I don't want to shut Him out of this new life that He provided me with.  He blessed me financially, with friends, a good living situation, and lots of opportunity that I just have to work really hard for.  Along with all of that, I want to "earnestly seek Him."  Otherwise, everything else doesn't really have much meaning and just gets lost in the shuffle. 

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

the overwhelming madness

When I was in college, high school, basically any time before graduation, and I said that I wanted to be an actress, I would always acknowledge that it would not be easy to do so.  My teachers, friends, and family would also say that it was going to be a lot of hard work, and that it would test my patience.  Now trust me, I really did know this.  But now, I'm actually feeling it and coming face to face with the amount of work that goes into simply getting your face out there!

Boston has the resources I need to get out there, but because it's not overly flooded like New York, I really have to hunt for things.  I've already spent hours on google trying to find open mics for comedy clubs, without many results.  The comedy scene is actually a challenge to get into out here, let alone the acting scene. 

My patience has always been a problem for me.  It's one of the biggest things that God tests me on, makes me work on, and still I feel like my lack of patience has only changed with simpler things like everyday activities and the actions of my friends.  Really, I still have almost zero.  I want something, and I want it now, and then I rush into trying to get it without really going about it in a slow and well thought out way that would probably produce better results.  It's like I'm hoping some kind of opportunity would just fall out of the sky and into my lap right when I want it to, so that I don't have to work for it!

The number one thing I REALLY have to change about myself, is my "I'll do it later" lack of motivation.  It's a college student mentality, getting things done at the last minute and still getting by alright.  This tactic can't work in the real world, and I'll tell you why: NO ONE WILL MAKE YOU DO IT!  There are no grades, no teachers, no parents, nothing that will get you off your own ass except yourself!  If I don't learn how to get into this business and learn who to talk to, where to go, when to do things, how to network, build relationships, market myself, then I will not get anywhere because no one else is going to make me.

Lazy days and fucking off are no longer really an option.  I'm here, in the real world, I've been waiting to be here for four years so I could let go of the restrictions of school and homework and meaningless projects, and this is the time.  It will take a while, and a few months from now I may cry into my pillow wondering why I don't have an agent or blah blah blah yet.  But God is going to keep teaching me patience, and I will come out better for it in the end.  I just have to keep working hard, as in not go home tonight and go to bed just because I had to get up early today; I should be going to this next open mic on my list, or at least making myself write another chapter in my book, researching how to get headshots printed out cheap, SO MANY THINGS that I could be doing. 

Basic number one lesson of this blog:  If you want something and if in ten years you don't have it you may just jump off a bridge because your life will be a failure?  Then you should... GET OFF YOUR ASS! 

Thursday, June 2, 2011

getting caught up in the world around you is an easy thing to do

I wonder what it would be like if I had moved to New York... no just kidding, I don't.  Know why?  Because as much as NY is the end goal, and I do love that city, I think that God wanted me in Boston at least for now.  Whenever I go through a change or I move somewhere new I think to myself, "this is temporary" and I can't enjoy it to the fullest because I never feel settled.  I've been here for three and a half days and I already feel like, "I love the people, I love my street, I love my room, and I feel ok."

Maybe the fact that everyone that's important to me is within an arm's reach has something to do with it.  I know I'm never going to feel lonely if my closest friends and my sisters are living in the vicinity, and home is less than an hour and less of a hassle to get to with public transit being at my fingertips.  The people of Boston don't give me that same temporary feeling of falsehood that I've had when living in New York or Newport.  And as much as I would never trade my (hopefully) life-long friends I gained in Europe, I was there for school and the entire time I had to think about the fact that I had to leave.  Now I get on the subway and have conversations with complete strangers about stuff we can all relate to like the Bruins and tornados brewing. 

These people; they're real, and I'm home.

... now I just have to get my headshots done and get the ball rolling on my acting career.  I just did an open mic at a comedy night at a Howard Johnson's.  Wasn't the greatest thing ever, but at least I have confirmation that I am funny and I came up with my material while I was sitting there and watching people.  There were guys sitting with their notebooks and recording themselves while they were doing their sets, but I don't think that's the best way to go about it, especially if your routine still somewhat sucks.  You have to feed off of what you know, feel for where people's minds are wandering to when you're telling them a story; I'm not an expert on standup, but I do know how to tell somebody a story that'll make them laugh and I think that's what counts the most. 

So here's to trusting your gut and trusting God that Boston was a good choice for a 20-something out of work actress.  Let's get a move on.