Sunday, January 22, 2012

23 on the 23rd

I've had a feeling for a while that 23 would be a great year.  I remember when I was 19 years old, thinking about what it might be to turn 23.  A few of my friends were 23 at the time, and it just seemed like a lucky year for some.  I've even been told, "Yeah, 23 was a good year for me," as though a lot happened or nothing particularly bad took place.

To be more specific, I think that I've been doing 6 months or so of auditioning and it could be a great year to start getting some theater roles in the Boston area.  Of course the luck of the draw is what you get, but even auditions are an art form in themselves, a form that I have slowly but surely started to perfect.  I could tell you step by step what happens from when you walk in the door to when you leave a place, and how to tell if it went well.  Still doesn't mean anything is guaranteed, but my intuition is telling me that I could do with a few paid gigs, heck maybe an audition or two for some union credits could be possible this year.

This will be a great year for self discovery as I'm halfway through my first "school year" without being in school.  I don't miss it, although I do sometimes miss the feeling of accomplishment when a class was done and I advanced to another level.  The longer that I'm out of school, the better I feel about taking advantage of gunning for a career in my chosen field. 

I just bought a new laptop, have been writing more, and hope to revamp my Youtube with some fresh ideas.  It's exciting to know that I have support from many people watching my videos, telling their friends about them, and having many new friends that even want to participate in the videos with me.  Whether it be funny skits or great new songs, I hope to continue to gain support.

Maybe this year I'll get a new fantastic tattoo.  I've been saying for a year and a half that I wanted to get a new one, I just have to be tactful in my choosing a location so as not to deter the roles I could still be hired for.
Maybe this year I'll get a new keyboard with weighted keys like I've always wanted, and start learning to play some better tunes.
Maybe this year I'll get a harmonica with a headpiece.
Maybe this year I'll learn to dance.
Maybe this year I'll stay lucky in love.
Maybe this year I'll get a car.
Maybe this year I'll travel somewhere like Spain or Scotland.
Maybe this year I'll finish writing my book.
Maybe this year I won't have any regrets.
Maybe this year I won't swear so much or I'll quit another bad habit.
Maybe this year I won't have to always say maybe about everything.

23 on the 23rd; it's going to be a lucky one.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I can't dance.

There's this issue that I have.  It's called an inability to dance.  The reason that this is an issue, is due to the fact that I'm trying to act in theater and have a great singing voice, but I'm not a triple threat.  Very disappointing.

Now, I'm not saying that I can't even keep a beat.  If I tried long and hard enough, I guess I could do any sort of choreography.  But here's the thing, I was never trained in tap or jazz or ballet.  None of that graceful or technical crap that would provide me with the skills I need to learn things quickly at an audition.  No, my Nana did me the worst favor of all:  she put me into Irish Step for three years and my legs can move like the wind but only if my upper body is... well, light as a feather stiff as a board as the old saying goes.

When I'm at the club with my girlfriends and I have a couple of cocktails in me, apparently my hips move with a sexy beat.  Or when I'm dancing to the radio in my livingroom, I could break it down pretty well.  But when it comes to a step ball change and some spins when the chick in the back is counting measures and judging me, I lose every ounce of confidence and coordination I could muster.  I'm done for.

Why does this irritate me so??  Well, because musical theater was my first love.  And it's hard when you think that your hopeful path has a closed door with deadbolts and a caution do not cross this line tape across the archway.

Oh well.  Not every actress needs to dance, right?  I could just keep faking it and pray that I get something with minimal movement, like if I played a talking tree in Wizard of Oz...

Ugh, today was a disaster.  I locked up and I choked up.  WHO DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO DANCE DISCO??  Even disco dancers made half their shit up while they were on the floor.  I felt so awkward and like I had it in me but I had no way to do it on the spot.  Maybe with more mental preparation or if I had even known that was going to be the fucking audition then I could've done it!  I just feel like I had something in waiting to get out and the talent is there, and I felt sideswiped like almost shocked that I had to dance for two hours in my own heels that are not really made for dancing.  Those girls with jazz shoes on looking really professional made me want to kill myself.  I thought I'd only be singing. 

No, we were John Travolting and school bussing and ball changing and funky chickening it up with no sign of stopping.  Fun?  I suppose. Exhausting?  Quite.  Stressful?  YES.  Do I think I got a callback?  Probably a negative.

..... this is why I need an agent.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

feelings I wish I didn't have

I'm a crier.  This terribly awful trait that I wish I didn't have, has slowly crept up on me since the beginning of college, and then built up to the point where I feel as though almost anything could make me cry.  Does this mean I'm a wimp?  Does this mean I'm crazy?  Does this mean that I'm just more in tune with my emotions and therefore crying is my body's best way of expressing itself?  Eff that.

I remember crying a lot in college over boys.  They would get my hopes up and break my heart, and I would take months to get over it.  Especially that big "relationship" I don't like to speak of because my closest friends know how much of a mess I was even a year after it ended.  But I slowly started to cry over other things, such as
What if my teacher doesn't like me or thinks I'm not smart?
Why do they not like me or want to hang out with me?
Why am I always late for everything?
Why didn't I get that part?

These are things that I've posted about in the past, but these last 6 months or so I have developed new things to cry about.
I'm not getting any auditions this week.
The plans I made for the holiday aren't turning out the way I wanted them to.
I missed the bus twice and now my whole schedule is messed up.
Your boss is taking advantage of your need for this job.

...that was a big one. I cried when I was trying to fix them, and I cried when I went back to the salon and told the owner about it.  That girl chopped into the middle of my forehead like I asked her for some Allston grungegirl shag.  Fucking eyebrow bones and cheekbones sticking out of my face with the severity of it all, making me look like a hollowed out monkeyface.  To top it off, I kept getting comments from the stylist such as, "Don't you brush your hair?  Let me get through this rats nest. You don't know what a bang line is, you don't already have bangs, you have pieces of hair, I don't know how you call those bangs what do you do with those pieces of hair?  Are you aware that you have a dread?"    

Erm, let me answer you NO I don't always brush my hair because it doesn't keep its messy mermaid waves if I do and NO I don't give a shit what a bang line is, to me I had bangs and I styled them beautifully and you fucked them all up by chopping into the middle of my head and YES I am aware that I have a dreadlock that I put there myself.  Thanks very much for the free hair straightener after I had to cry about your stylist being a pushy cunt and my lovely boyfriend gave me this haircut as a gift and we chose your service.

Here's what I was the most mad about:  Why did I cry when I didn't like my haircut?  Why did I cry when I got a loveletter from my boyfriend?  Why did I cry when I saw how fast my cousins were growing up and they could say my name without a flaw in their annunciation?  Why did I cry when it was 11pm on Christmas day and the holiday was over?  Why did I cry when I felt stuck at my job and like there's no way out? 

I think I have a problem.  The problem is, my emotions seem uncontrollable and I feel like too much of a stupid girl who can't deal with everyday shit. But other days I feel fabulous and as though I can conquer the world.  Am I weak for crying about too short bangs?  Am I a girly sap for doing it over some heartfelt words from my love? 

No, maybe it has to do with simply being overwhelmed.  Life can be very overwhelming.  It's certainly not a breeze.  That's what I have to keep telling myself.  Until I figure out a way to toughen up and get back to where I don't remember a cry for about three years straight, then I just have to keep telling myself that.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Remember the Pear on New Years.

I had to force myself to write a post today.  Sometimes life gets in the way of my creativity, and I'm starting to be really upset about that fact.  I haven't written a complete song in months, still haven't been able to finish this one particular one that I've been writing since May/June, and while some of it has to do with the fact that I don't play guitar as often as I really should play, it's mostly got to do with my complete turnaround in mood.

For the first time in a very long time, I am inexplicably happy.  Most people who know me would describe me as sweet, funny, and all around happy person.  I don't say this to be a snob, I say this because those are my usual traits that I allow to get across to the people I interact with at any point in time.  The fact of the matter is, I have always been VERY good at hiding how I act or feel when I'm alone late at night by myself.

There were times when I couldn't get to sleep without crying or thinking horribly self deprecating thoughts.
You're never going to be an actress.
You suck at guitar and you're not that great of a singer.
You can't act and never could, stop kidding yourself.
Your writing is terrible and uninteresting and  unoriginal.
You'll never get a break in life and no one will help give you a leg up, you'll never figure out how to get ahead in this business, deal with it and wait tables the rest of your life.

There were also thoughts such as this that dragged me down.
He doesn't love you back and he never will.
He chose her over you because you're not worth his time.
It's always something about you that makes them leave you.
Your friends aren't really your friends, they would let you drown in your misery in a heartbeat.
You will never find someone to love you as much as you love them.
God wants you to be miserable and alone.

All of that may seem a little bit extreme, but when you have massive depression such as I did, those thoughts haunt you in the middle of the night as though they were people surrounding your bed and prodding you awake every time you start to nod off.  They sit on your shoulders and your chest, weighing you down and prevent you from lifting yourself from their presence.  They tie you up and restrain you from being motivated and pursuing your hopes and dreams, to the point where you lie to yourself and say you can't possibly move forward from those restraints and you're stuck in your own self pity.  You stop trying to fight with them, these awful thoughts that are slowly killing you inside.  You convince yourself they're stronger than you, and come to terms with just dealing with life as though it's a punishment and a chore to be alive.

Now that I've made myself horribly depressed again going back to THAT, (kidding!) let me explain what has happened to change my life since I graduated from the soul sucking collegiate life I once had.

My nannying job has gained me a best friend, and a confidant that is completely impartial to the other people in my life.  We have become each others' sound boards and therapists.  I also have a dog and a baby until 5pm and then I get to give them back.  I have since become more patient, more gentle, more understanding, and more calm in general.  She feeds me breakfast and lunch almost every day, and really takes care of me.  And since I have a fairly demanding with morning hours and the fact that I'm in charge of a baby, I've cut back on drinking, especially weeknights.  It didn't used to be a big deal when I was waitressing so show up with a hangover, and now I'm overall much healthier after gaining more responsibility.

I'm auditioning upwards to 3 times a week.  I get disappointed when I only have one or none, but then again on my off nights I go out and do standup to keep my sanity.  Getting to that in the next paragraph, but the fact that I took an acting class where I made some fellow acting friends Boston was a very smart choice.  I may even do the same class again in the Spring just to keep myself fresh and on my feet.  The more I audition, the more companies I meet and am familiar with, they remember me when I come in now, and I get some great feedback.  Yes, I'm getting disappointed when I don't have a part, but I am doing a lot with myself and really using all the tools available to me so I just have to repeat the advice I got from an older Comedian:  You are a pear, and you are a perfect and beautiful pear, but if the director is looking for an orange, a pear just can't be an orange.  Acting school 101: Remember the Pear.

Comedy has become a huge part of my life.  Before I was dabbling in it, just doing it for fun, and didn't take it very seriously.  I still like to have fun and sometimes will take the Metro up with me to do a bit about something I read that day, maybe write a joke from what another comedian said ten minutes before I go up, but I really am practicing now and timing myself and getting into the rest of the comedy scene that I wasn't into before.  Most comedians that I see on a regular basis I can say I am an acquaintance, maybe a facebook or twitter connection is between us on top of that, and I have gained some great lasting friends and the most amazing boyfriend I could ever hope for.

He asked me why all of my songs on guitar were so sad.  That doesn't seem like me, he says, to have songs that are so sad when I am so happy.  He didn't know me before, and I am not one to act sad if I am on the inside because even in my darkest days I would tell myself that I was as happy as I let myself be.  There are quite a lot of people who would never have a clue as to how bad it was for me, or that I was anything but chipper at all times.  My music is my outlet, the sadness goes through those guitar strings and out of my soul and drips away into melting notes, as the melancholy leaves me and I can release myself from having to feel anything.  It's hard to write a happy song when you never knew how.

Maybe he's right though.. maybe now that I am so incredibly happy I can write a happy song.  

My New Year's resolution:  Get back into writing and music.  I've been saying I would, but I feel pretty inspired after the holidays.  I'm writing two plays right now, and I picked up my guitar today only to come up with something new already.  Yeah, writing is where my heart is at right now.