Thursday, March 31, 2011

Whenever I try to cut calories, it makes me want to eat MORE.

Tonight I went to see my friend Amanda in her starring role as Sally Bowles in Cabaret and she was just so great.  Seeing her up there, I could tell that she was elated with the part and she was really having fun with it.  I couldn't have picked a better role for her, (although she was my leading lady a year ago in Relationships which was just as good for her acting capabilities).

Watching the rest of this show however, made me feel pretty darn bad about myself.  I watched as about five different girls strutted their stuff around half naked on stage, and all I could think was, "My abs will never look like that" "I remember when I was that skinny" and "What happened to me, I'm disgusting."  And considering that two pairs of my jeans in the past two weeks have split int he crotch where my monstrous thighs rub together, I really haven't been feeling too hott lately.

When I was in high school, I weighed about ten pounds or so more than I do now.  I had a really chubby face, and a big ass, and my mid-area was a self-conscious touchy subject that made me cry in middle school because I didn't understand why my "baby belly" as my mother called it, never went away with age.  I still have it, and I deal with hating it every day.

Towards the end of senior year, I went on a medication called Topamax, I was taking it daily for my migraines, and I dropped almost fifteen pounds instantly.  I then continued to lose around 10 pounds throughout my freshman year through a mixture of eating square meals every day, walking everywhere, and never having snacks because I ate at the DC and I didn't keep any food in my room.  I was somewhat of a foe vegetarian at that time because I was afraid of DC meat, not because I had the ideals that I have now.

The skinniest I ever was in the past few years, I weighed 116.  I'm 5'7".  I was a skeleton.  My family was always asking me in a joking manner, "Are you eating?" and my friends would comment/compliment.  It's quite possible that because my first two years of college were among the most depressing and stressful years of my life thus far, there was another factor thrown into the mix.  I look at pictures of myself and I can see the bones in my chest.  Did I realize how thin I was?  No, not really.

In fact, I still thought that I was fat.  During junior year while living at my sorority house, I started drinking about four or five nights a week because I was so depressed.  This led to drunk eating, and my weight gain.  I gained about ten pounds in four months and I hated myself.  What I didn't realize was that that ten pounds had probably brought my body back to normal, and away from borderline anorexia.  I fought with myself for months as I gained a few more pounds here and there, getting to where I am now.

I am a size 4.  Maybe even a 6 in some things.  I think I weigh about 130, and that number kills me every day just thinking about it.  "If I could just lose five pounds and get to a medium from where I am now and when I was soooo skinny..." "If my abs were only abs and not a blob" "If I didn't eat so many sweets or I didn't drink" the obsessive thoughts go on and on and on.  I used to starve myself, and some days when my anxiety is really bad all I can think is, "When's the next time I'll be hungry so I can justify stuffing my face again?" and as soon as I take a bite of food I guilt myself over giving in.

My anxiety has gotten to the point (and it's not just about food) to where I wake up, I have to plan exactly what I'm wearing according to what I'm doing that day, who I will see, what hours I will be where, and exactly what I will eat and when.  If something happens where my mental schedule gets screwed up, I cry about it.  Oh, my class was cancelled?  Where do I go for an hour?  I missed my appointment?  Crap, I should be doing something productive!  How many apples do I have in my bag?  If I eat one now, will I be hungry again in an hour?  Maybe I can just wait an hour.

It's ridiculos.
I'm ridiculous.
This whole thought process is fucking ridiculous.
I moved four times this year and no matter how far away or quickly or where you move, you can't escape from your own fucking head.  I have pain in my shoulder so bad that I could barely put on my backpack today because I overdid it at the gym because THERE'S A FUCKING WALL OF MIRRORS IN FRONT OF THE WEIGHT MACHINES!!!!
I just need to scream.

Tomorrow is opening day for baseball, and the relaxing and wonderful feeling that I got this week from watching spring training games was absolutely amazing.  It's better than yoga.  I need summer, and I need to stop thinking things like, "If I'm skinny then maybe it's ok that I'm not as good as some people because I'll still be pretty and it makes up for it.  If I'm not an actress or doing something great with my life, and I'm fat to boot, then who will care two shits about me?"

It's a really claustrophobic feeling, being stuck in your own head all the time.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

I feel like I accomplished nothing today.

Sometimes I have those days where I have about twenty tabs on Firefox, a ton of things to think about and complete, and at the end of the day I still feel like I sat on the computer and accomplished absolutely nothing.  UGHHHH I have no idea where my life is going come June.  I'm waiting to hear back from like twenty things, and my mind is a mess.  I can't even concentrate long enough to complete one task!  maybe I did more than I think, who knows...

Last week, I'm sitting at this restaurant, it's one of those woody-feeling dark and expensive rustic settings, and I order the fish because of course there's nothing really for vegetarians at these little places.  I ask the waitress, "What's 'plaice'?" being the food connoisseur that I of course am NOT.  She says it's a very thin white fish, and I would enjoy it.  30 minutes later, after a wonderful goat cheese and macadamia nut salad with mescalin greens,  she walks over with a plate.  "Oh God!" I think, "Please don't let that be mine!" and in front of me is placed, the plaice.  I am staring at him.  He is staring at me.  His fins are glistening in the candlelight, and his little black lifeless eyeball looking right into my blue horrified eyeball.  I look up about to cry and say, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that he would be... with his head..." of course the waitress hates me after this.  I sent it back.  GROSS!!!  She was being such a cunt about it too, obviously if I ask what something is that means I have no idea that it's going to come in its entirety and non-filleted! 

But aside from that fiasco, I had a great time with my friends.  I tried to spend some quality time with each of my closest friends, as rushed as it was.  Woody's was still as social as ever, and the Venue was still as loud.  KBar is still tiny as hell and Origins... well we won't get into how much I want to punch you in the face, now will we?  One of the few reasons why I'm glad that I'm back at UMass.  I think having a visit got me closer to the friends that I really missed, because we really meant the time we had together instead of it being a daily routine and not having to think about anyone leaving like before.  I never thought I would spend a St. Patrick's at Kent, and I'm more than happy that I did, even if green beer and Irish boys drive me insane.  A sleepover with my girlfriends makes up for any negativity over the week, because your girlfriends are the most important people in your lives.

While it would've been great if I had stayed, it's also for the best that I came back this term.  Currently I'm able to build better relationships with my UMass friends before we all pack up and move on.  So strange to think about.  But where my life is going over the summer is for another post.  I have too many things to think about/choose from.

BASEBALL STARTS ON FRIDAY!!  I'm watching Spring Training and I love itttttt.  Every time I hear the announcers' voices it makes me feel like it's summer, nighttime, I'm relaxing, and my life is in complete control.  I'm in love with baseball.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

I think my head will someday fall off because of how many times it's spun around in astonishment.

(astonished or more like stunned... both are good words, but meant to convey the negative aspect)

England.  A place that I called home for three months.  I was dreaming about Canterbury a couple weeks ago, and woke up realizing how much I really did miss it.  I missed home while I was there, but for the wrong reasons.  Now I miss it here because of my friends.  You have no idea how much of a catch22 my spring break turned out to be.

When returning to Park Wood, I approached my old flat and the thought entered my mind, "I'm home!"  Except when I got in the door, my room was foreign territory.  I slept in Laicia's room, and another girl had taken my place.  Such a strange feeling.  We sat in the kitchen drinking wine, cooking food, I baked cookies; it was just like before... but Kimmy and Carlo weren't there, and as much as Callie and Kristyn were lovely girls I was just so sad.  I felt awkward and like I didn't belong anymore, all while feeling I was home and everything was normal and I should be staying.

I had the familiar feeling from when I got back to UMass.  Every friend that I ran into was so happy to see me, and we were both sad that I was no longer around.  The number one question was, "Are things good at your Uni back in America?" and all I could say was, "No, I wish I had been able to stay."  The only difference was that when I went back to UMass not everyone followed through with missing me.  I think almost everyone made the attempt to get together at Kent, and I had nice lunches and sleepovers with my best friends. 

Now don't get me wrong, I love my friends, I love Navigators, I love my house and the dog and what not... but I hate Amherst because I'm so sick of it and I can't stand going to class anymore.  I'm so ready to be out of there I considered becoming an illegal alien out here.  (Disclosure: Homeland Security is advised discard that last sentence, as it is the desperate rant of a misplaced college student).

This morning I said goodbye to University of Kent after saying countless goodbyes to friends throughout the week.  I think it was good closure, as last time I felt rather ripped from my habitat and it was just too soon.  But I could barely enjoy my visit this week, because the entire time all I could think of was when I had to leave.  Another symptom of my unbalanced train of thought.  I can't just be in the moment; I'm always worried about the outcome, or what happens later.  Maybe we're all like that.  Maybe you were or are like that.

We already had our closure, and this time I came back not thinking it mattered that I would be in town.  We may never meet again, but who knows.  Anyway, I'm not the only disappointed one.  Just ask around.

More real details about the week to come; I'm still in London for the weekend and I'm just devastated that Laic is in Amsterdam without me.  Stupid Eurostar running out of tickets. Effffffff

Friday, March 11, 2011

There isn't enough Starbucks coffee in the world to wake me up!!!

I'm so flippin' tired.  The last week or so right before Spring break sucks for everyone.  Midterms, papers, homework, planning your time, working, trying to see friends before break, etc... it's all exhausting.

Last night I got home and I realized how much I missed my Mommy (yeah, I said MOMMY, wicked gayyyyy ha shutup).  Getting to see her every few weeks is a treat compared to last semester.  I don't know if I could've survived another 3 or 4 months away from home if I had been able to go back to Kent, but I certainly do wish I could've had the opportunity.

This weekend will be one to remember, going down the cape off season is great.  There's hardly anyone around, the beach is wide open for chilly walks, and the neighborhood is quiet and calm.  I just hope *knock on wood* that it's not raining all weekend.  I'm getting to that age where going on a little getaway with my friends is a normal thing; we're adults.  I can use the family summer home.  I can go buy food and make a nice supper and grab a bottle of wine and share with my friends.  I'm going to be a college graduate.  Life is amazing.  God really has provided.

I decided for lent I'm going to stop being a brat.  First I wanted to give up sweets, but then they put me on cookie making duty at work so obviously I shoved cookie dough in my mouth.  HAHA terrible!!

England is on Monday, and I won't come back until the following Monday.  I'll be celebrating St. Patrick's with my lovely English friends.  Let's hope it won't be TOO much of a shit show =P
SO excited.  I've been dreaming about it.  I really do miss being there quite a lot.  UMass sucks sometimes, thank God I'm graduating.

I have an audition in London to be a singer on a cruise ship, and I have an acting internship offer in New York City for the summer.  I haven't said yes to it yet, mostly because I haven't even heard from others yet so I'm giving it until the end of the month to decide where I'm going and what I'm doing.  I just hope that I get answers from other places by then. ARGH!!

Sunday, March 6, 2011

you're really gonna enjoy reading this one, lemme tell ya girl, just more material for you to go crazy over concerning the douchebag

Do you ever wake up and think, "Wait... did that... actually... happen?" and then you bust out laughing because yeah, IT DID.  I'm still tingling with joy over the ridiculousness of it all.  I'm still a firm believer in saying that women aren't born crazy, men engage in blatant douchebaggery and that makes women crazy.

I found out I have a stalker.  I mean, I could have more, who knows, maybe we all have them.  But last night in the best way possible I found out there is a girl out there who hates me enough to read my blog and make fun of me, and I've literally never even met her.  I hope you're reading this right now, because I just want you to know that I'm acknowledging your existence.

You have a VERY, I mean seriously screwed up "relationship".  You know it, I know it, and I'm so sorry that you allowed him to be comfortable enough to tell you whatever details he told you about me, and that you let it drive you crazy enough to start creeping on my blog to find out even more things about me.  I bet you're seething with anger over the fact that I slapped your boyfriend, and every word you read on my blog makes you crazy (or whatever he is, I mean I kind of hope he's not your boyfriend 'cause if he certainly treats you like a whore and you're not even aware of it).

And thank you for calling me out on my blog's existence and that I would "go pray about it".  I did pray about this last night, but mostly it was me saying, "Thanks God for confirming to me that he was in fact a douchebag"

and yes, I do know how to spell douchebag, and I will continue to spell it that way.  Here, click this link while you're at it.

Do you think I'm ashamed of anything I write on here?  Do you think that you taking a stab at me for my personal life hurts?  No, it just makes you look like a psycho considering I'm not even facebook friends with the guy that you're a psychopath over.  Let's just review here:  you're reading a stranger's blog, calling up a stranger and harassing them, and you're so desperate to one-up me that you allowed the idea of a sexual encounter be ok in your mind?  He's a creep for putting you in that situation and letting you get to that mental absurdity that he's so fantastic.  Maybe you should get tested, I wonder what kind of scummy girls he hangs out with when he's not with you.  WOW I feel sorry for you.

I literally went over there to smack him in the face; what were the chances that I would be across the street when he texted me out of the blue??  Amazing chances, that's what they were.  I gotta tell ya, if a guy ever does something absolutely out of line like that, and you're completely justified in being pissed off and offended, there's nothing better than feeling the pins and needles in the palm of your hand when you whack them upside the head.  I'm actually shocked in knowing of your existence, you really played the sneaky stalker part very well.  To know that you were a factor in that equation really put an interesting spin on things.

Now, I know you're going to read this and get all pissed off, and hate me even more than you already do, which is fine.  I just hope that eventually ('cause I know you probably woke up in his bed this morning and thought, 'how great am I to be here and not someone else in my place?')  you will realize that he probably doesn't place much value on you and doesn't really respect you a lot at all.  As another girl I'll tell you we've all been there, where we let some douchebag make us a complete mental case.

So yeah, I hope that sometime real soon you wake up thinking things like I thought when I woke up this morning, "I am beautiful, I have a lot to offer to a real loving passionate and monogamous relationship, and I deserve nothing less than someone who treats me like an absolute princess and I will treat him like my prince."  I don't care how corny that sounds, it's just clearly not where your head is at and I wish you would wake the fuck up.  Because you are better than that, and I bet when he's not driving you nuts, you are a great girl.

Just try not to go nuts and call strangers and stalk them online anymore.  It's not giving you a one-up on anyone, it just makes you look scary.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

too much on your plate? or is the plate simply not big enough?

I have this problem where I commit to things before thinking about it... I volunteered to work on Saturday, and realized this morning that I have to go to a play for class, and it'll take up about half my day to be there.  Now I have to go into work where they think I'm one of their hardest working and most trustworthy kids, and tell them that I spaced out and am actually not able to help them out.  This sort of thing drives me crazy, mostly because authority opinions register high in my stress level.

Frequently my grades or how a teacher views my class behavior and enthusiasm, is a very large stressor on my life.  Last week I got a 76% on a Spanish exam and I cried about it.  It would seem ok, if I hadn't remembered the fact that last year I would get 95% or around that on all of my Spanish exams.  This year is tough, that's for sure. 

Recently, there was a Times article in the Health & Wellness section about how we are our own biggest critics.  People tend to compare themselves to others so often, that we second guess our own abilities to function, whether it be in class, our jobs, or our daily exchanges with friends and families.  Not only am I someone that is always worried about what a teacher or a boss thinks of me, but I'm constantly worried about any friendships that I have.  "Is this person not talking to me for some specific reason?  What's wrong with me??  Are they just busy, or do they not like me?  Why don't they want to hang out this weekend?  Did they just blow off a text message, or do they not have time to answer it right now?  Maybe we're not that close anyway... WHY IS THAT??"           I drive myself crazy. 

No one can possibly be best friends with all of their friends.  My friend jealousy is ridiculous.  But it's there.  Maybe a lot of people have this.  There's a group of people that I go to church with, and I also know them from class.  They're all best friends.  I always thought that eventually I could somehow be in their group of friends because we had two common denominators.  But it never happened, and I have since then been wondering what it is about ME that makes them not so interested in having me in their group.  "Am I not Christian enough?  Am I not cool enough to be in the plays, therefore not cool enough to be in your click?"  I feel like it's a club that I have no idea how to get in, but there seem to be a lot of people in it. 
............Or maybe I'm just nuts.

I should stop whining, it's not like I have no friends.  I have pretty great friends, actually.  But again, you are your own biggest critic, and that means you come down hard.