(astonished or more like stunned... both are good words, but meant to convey the negative aspect)
England. A place that I called home for three months. I was dreaming about Canterbury a couple weeks ago, and woke up realizing how much I really did miss it. I missed home while I was there, but for the wrong reasons. Now I miss it here because of my friends. You have no idea how much of a catch22 my spring break turned out to be.
When returning to Park Wood, I approached my old flat and the thought entered my mind, "I'm home!" Except when I got in the door, my room was foreign territory. I slept in Laicia's room, and another girl had taken my place. Such a strange feeling. We sat in the kitchen drinking wine, cooking food, I baked cookies; it was just like before... but Kimmy and Carlo weren't there, and as much as Callie and Kristyn were lovely girls I was just so sad. I felt awkward and like I didn't belong anymore, all while feeling I was home and everything was normal and I should be staying.
I had the familiar feeling from when I got back to UMass. Every friend that I ran into was so happy to see me, and we were both sad that I was no longer around. The number one question was, "Are things good at your Uni back in America?" and all I could say was, "No, I wish I had been able to stay." The only difference was that when I went back to UMass not everyone followed through with missing me. I think almost everyone made the attempt to get together at Kent, and I had nice lunches and sleepovers with my best friends.
Now don't get me wrong, I love my friends, I love Navigators, I love my house and the dog and what not... but I hate Amherst because I'm so sick of it and I can't stand going to class anymore. I'm so ready to be out of there I considered becoming an illegal alien out here. (Disclosure: Homeland Security is advised discard that last sentence, as it is the desperate rant of a misplaced college student).
This morning I said goodbye to University of Kent after saying countless goodbyes to friends throughout the week. I think it was good closure, as last time I felt rather ripped from my habitat and it was just too soon. But I could barely enjoy my visit this week, because the entire time all I could think of was when I had to leave. Another symptom of my unbalanced train of thought. I can't just be in the moment; I'm always worried about the outcome, or what happens later. Maybe we're all like that. Maybe you were or are like that.
We already had our closure, and this time I came back not thinking it mattered that I would be in town. We may never meet again, but who knows. Anyway, I'm not the only disappointed one. Just ask around.
More real details about the week to come; I'm still in London for the weekend and I'm just devastated that Laic is in Amsterdam without me. Stupid Eurostar running out of tickets. Effffffff