I had to force myself to write a post today. Sometimes life gets in the way of my creativity, and I'm starting to be really upset about that fact. I haven't written a complete song in months, still haven't been able to finish this one particular one that I've been writing since May/June, and while some of it has to do with the fact that I don't play guitar as often as I really should play, it's mostly got to do with my complete turnaround in mood.
For the first time in a very long time, I am inexplicably happy. Most people who know me would describe me as sweet, funny, and all around happy person. I don't say this to be a snob, I say this because those are my usual traits that I allow to get across to the people I interact with at any point in time. The fact of the matter is, I have always been VERY good at hiding how I act or feel when I'm alone late at night by myself.
There were times when I couldn't get to sleep without crying or thinking horribly self deprecating thoughts.
You're never going to be an actress.
You suck at guitar and you're not that great of a singer.
You can't act and never could, stop kidding yourself.
Your writing is terrible and uninteresting and unoriginal.
You'll never get a break in life and no one will help give you a leg up, you'll never figure out how to get ahead in this business, deal with it and wait tables the rest of your life.
There were also thoughts such as this that dragged me down.
He doesn't love you back and he never will.
He chose her over you because you're not worth his time.
It's always something about you that makes them leave you.
Your friends aren't really your friends, they would let you drown in your misery in a heartbeat.
You will never find someone to love you as much as you love them.
God wants you to be miserable and alone.
All of that may seem a little bit extreme, but when you have massive depression such as I did, those thoughts haunt you in the middle of the night as though they were people surrounding your bed and prodding you awake every time you start to nod off. They sit on your shoulders and your chest, weighing you down and prevent you from lifting yourself from their presence. They tie you up and restrain you from being motivated and pursuing your hopes and dreams, to the point where you lie to yourself and say you can't possibly move forward from those restraints and you're stuck in your own self pity. You stop trying to fight with them, these awful thoughts that are slowly killing you inside. You convince yourself they're stronger than you, and come to terms with just dealing with life as though it's a punishment and a chore to be alive.
Now that I've made myself horribly depressed again going back to THAT, (kidding!) let me explain what has happened to change my life since I graduated from the soul sucking collegiate life I once had.
My nannying job has gained me a best friend, and a confidant that is completely impartial to the other people in my life. We have become each others' sound boards and therapists. I also have a dog and a baby until 5pm and then I get to give them back. I have since become more patient, more gentle, more understanding, and more calm in general. She feeds me breakfast and lunch almost every day, and really takes care of me. And since I have a fairly demanding with morning hours and the fact that I'm in charge of a baby, I've cut back on drinking, especially weeknights. It didn't used to be a big deal when I was waitressing so show up with a hangover, and now I'm overall much healthier after gaining more responsibility.
I'm auditioning upwards to 3 times a week. I get disappointed when I only have one or none, but then again on my off nights I go out and do standup to keep my sanity. Getting to that in the next paragraph, but the fact that I took an acting class where I made some fellow acting friends Boston was a very smart choice. I may even do the same class again in the Spring just to keep myself fresh and on my feet. The more I audition, the more companies I meet and am familiar with, they remember me when I come in now, and I get some great feedback. Yes, I'm getting disappointed when I don't have a part, but I am doing a lot with myself and really using all the tools available to me so I just have to repeat the advice I got from an older Comedian: You are a pear, and you are a perfect and beautiful pear, but if the director is looking for an orange, a pear just can't be an orange. Acting school 101: Remember the Pear.
Comedy has become a huge part of my life. Before I was dabbling in it, just doing it for fun, and didn't take it very seriously. I still like to have fun and sometimes will take the Metro up with me to do a bit about something I read that day, maybe write a joke from what another comedian said ten minutes before I go up, but I really am practicing now and timing myself and getting into the rest of the comedy scene that I wasn't into before. Most comedians that I see on a regular basis I can say I am an acquaintance, maybe a facebook or twitter connection is between us on top of that, and I have gained some great lasting friends and the most amazing boyfriend I could ever hope for.
He asked me why all of my songs on guitar were so sad. That doesn't seem like me, he says, to have songs that are so sad when I am so happy. He didn't know me before, and I am not one to act sad if I am on the inside because even in my darkest days I would tell myself that I was as happy as I let myself be. There are quite a lot of people who would never have a clue as to how bad it was for me, or that I was anything but chipper at all times. My music is my outlet, the sadness goes through those guitar strings and out of my soul and drips away into melting notes, as the melancholy leaves me and I can release myself from having to feel anything. It's hard to write a happy song when you never knew how.
Maybe he's right though.. maybe now that I am so incredibly happy I can write a happy song.
My New Year's resolution: Get back into writing and music. I've been saying I would, but I feel pretty inspired after the holidays. I'm writing two plays right now, and I picked up my guitar today only to come up with something new already. Yeah, writing is where my heart is at right now.