Sunday, January 8, 2012

feelings I wish I didn't have

I'm a crier.  This terribly awful trait that I wish I didn't have, has slowly crept up on me since the beginning of college, and then built up to the point where I feel as though almost anything could make me cry.  Does this mean I'm a wimp?  Does this mean I'm crazy?  Does this mean that I'm just more in tune with my emotions and therefore crying is my body's best way of expressing itself?  Eff that.

I remember crying a lot in college over boys.  They would get my hopes up and break my heart, and I would take months to get over it.  Especially that big "relationship" I don't like to speak of because my closest friends know how much of a mess I was even a year after it ended.  But I slowly started to cry over other things, such as
What if my teacher doesn't like me or thinks I'm not smart?
Why do they not like me or want to hang out with me?
Why am I always late for everything?
Why didn't I get that part?

These are things that I've posted about in the past, but these last 6 months or so I have developed new things to cry about.
I'm not getting any auditions this week.
The plans I made for the holiday aren't turning out the way I wanted them to.
I missed the bus twice and now my whole schedule is messed up.
Your boss is taking advantage of your need for this job.

...that was a big one. I cried when I was trying to fix them, and I cried when I went back to the salon and told the owner about it.  That girl chopped into the middle of my forehead like I asked her for some Allston grungegirl shag.  Fucking eyebrow bones and cheekbones sticking out of my face with the severity of it all, making me look like a hollowed out monkeyface.  To top it off, I kept getting comments from the stylist such as, "Don't you brush your hair?  Let me get through this rats nest. You don't know what a bang line is, you don't already have bangs, you have pieces of hair, I don't know how you call those bangs what do you do with those pieces of hair?  Are you aware that you have a dread?"    

Erm, let me answer you NO I don't always brush my hair because it doesn't keep its messy mermaid waves if I do and NO I don't give a shit what a bang line is, to me I had bangs and I styled them beautifully and you fucked them all up by chopping into the middle of my head and YES I am aware that I have a dreadlock that I put there myself.  Thanks very much for the free hair straightener after I had to cry about your stylist being a pushy cunt and my lovely boyfriend gave me this haircut as a gift and we chose your service.

Here's what I was the most mad about:  Why did I cry when I didn't like my haircut?  Why did I cry when I got a loveletter from my boyfriend?  Why did I cry when I saw how fast my cousins were growing up and they could say my name without a flaw in their annunciation?  Why did I cry when it was 11pm on Christmas day and the holiday was over?  Why did I cry when I felt stuck at my job and like there's no way out? 

I think I have a problem.  The problem is, my emotions seem uncontrollable and I feel like too much of a stupid girl who can't deal with everyday shit. But other days I feel fabulous and as though I can conquer the world.  Am I weak for crying about too short bangs?  Am I a girly sap for doing it over some heartfelt words from my love? 

No, maybe it has to do with simply being overwhelmed.  Life can be very overwhelming.  It's certainly not a breeze.  That's what I have to keep telling myself.  Until I figure out a way to toughen up and get back to where I don't remember a cry for about three years straight, then I just have to keep telling myself that.


  1. You are totally normal. Everything makes me cry, especially this time of year. I've learned to enjoy a good cry. In fact I wish I did it more often. Well, maybe not.

    Think of it this way. What if you couldn't cry no matter what? Wouldn't that be sooo much worse?

  2. That's the stuff that makes you real India. For a bit of sarcasm, Duh?. But seriously, life is a game of good/bad, happy/sad, night/day, work/play. You can't have joy with out a cry, and if you did, too much I feel, would be passing you by.