Sunday, July 31, 2011

swiss cheese hearts attract menacing rats

swiss cheese hearts attract the most menacing rats
they have no heart, they have no tact
only teeth that grow and grow and nibble more holes into your empty soul

...Sounds like a start to a very depressing song.  I'm good at that.  Writing depressing songs and coming up with lyrics in a thirty second whim.  For those of you who keep track of my blog and read it on a regular basis, you'll slowly start to figure out a pattern that I have.  I go to a new place, I get really excited about going there, getting started, I feel refreshed, new, reborn, in love with life, and overall joyful.  Then after about a month I start to worry, and then a month after that I slip into my own head, get lost in my own thoughts, and have crippling bouts of nostalgia.

While I am incredibly aware of the unhealthy patterns my brain decides to go through, I am reminded of something that a pastor said to myself and some other youths a long time ago:  "Why would I want to give my wife a heart full of holes?" and that never left my mind.  As I dip into the duldrums of morbid reflection, and tumble deep into the catacombs of my past, I sense the same pattern repeating over and over and over again.  So as I start to reflect on how my heart is full of holes because of all the shitty relationships I've been in, some happy and then ending abruptly, some horrible and ending like a slowly screeching car wreck, I can't stop thinking about what went wrong and why.  Then I snowball that negativity into other areas of my life and I feel like nothing will ever work out and my life absolutely sucks.

What the heck is my problem?!  God is going to continue to shove the hard lesson of patience in my face until I get the picture.  There is no perfect place to live, there is no perfect job, there is no perfect man who will make all my fears and worries disappear.  I am an emotionally fucked up human being, and my life will only be perfect when I stop to heal all my brokenness.  I go go go go GO GO GO so much so that I don't have to think about the fact that I'm not always very happy.  My schedule is so packed that I barely sleep, because I hate being alone all by myself late at night and getting caught up in my own thoughts.  Haunting thoughts that say, "you're alone" "you're never going to be an actor" "you're never going to finish that book" "you're going to end up 30 and in the same place you are now" "(literally any past relationship's name inserted) was too good for you" "(insert random lost friendship) was your fault because you didn't try hard enough"

My. brain. won't. stop. killing. me. inside.

My dear friend listened to me cry on the phone tonight; a friend that used to be one of my failed relationships, turned into one of the most amazing people that I know and we equally confide in each other about how much our lives can suck sometimes.  Then again, I think we're both so positive about other people's lives working out because SOMETHING has to make up for ours not always working the way we want them to, and then we say the most encouraging things possible to uplift each other's spirits.  I'm going to miss his words of wisdom, and he'll miss mine as he is on his way to the Peace Corps this week.   Good friends that keep in touch are hard to come by these days.

I need prayer, and I need to meditate and calm the fuck down so I can focus long enough to figure out how to reach my goals so I'll stop worrying all. the. time.
...and I need to slow down a little so I'm not always going.  Go go go doesn't exactly help me practice guitar or write.

In other news, I lost five pounds and I fit into my clothes again so at least my body isn't another awful part of my issues at this moment in time.  I can only handle so many things on my list of "things to obsess over at one in the morning".

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