lessons of trust

I have a hard time trusting people.  I think it's because I used to feel like I could trust anyone, and I've gotten screwed too many times to delve into the behavior again.  I learn hard lessons between always wanting to see the best in people, wanting to believe that everyone is inherently good or friendly, that I can connect with people and make lasting friendships or connections, and then having relationships not work out and fizzle, or having friends do shitty things to you, or trusting when someone says they'll do you a favor or stay in touch, and then they simply disappear.

This week I have been severely questioning my own ability of skepticism.  Maybe I need to be more critical of others and their words.  Maybe when someone says, "Hey I know so and so at this theater," or "You should call me because I want to help you out and connect you with this casting person for such and such commercial blah blah blah"  Even non career-related connections where you think you'll become good friends with someone you just met and you can't really be sure if they mean what they say.  Maybe people do mean what they say, but their lives are too busy and you're too new in their life to matter as much as other things.  I guess we've all done it to someone at some point where we couldn't come through on a favor or a promise because we don't consider it vital to do so.  But what happens to the person we slowly forgot?

I find in this business, I am going to have to not let myself initially believe what people tell me until I have some sort of proof.  I can't let myself depend on a favor or someone simply saying that they will help me out or they have something for me.  This sounds negative and sucky, but it's more like I'm growing up a little bit with each month that passes since my moving to the city.  You can't put all your eggs in one basket, and you shouldn't, because there are more baskets than you think if you keep looking for them.  And most of the time you'll lose those eggs when the basket is given to someone else.

I guess I just have to keep crossing my fingers that things don't keep seeming as though they're in my favor and I have prospects, and that I really will actually have fucking prospects.  In a slight moment of anger, instead of excusing a behavior that I probably have had in the past as well just like everyone else, I think that it's actually really fucking rude to not keep your word to someone.  I'm pretty sure the bible says something about meaning what you say to people.

But instead I'll just move on I suppose, work my job, look for opportunities, take another acting class, keep involved, keep on my feet, not get too down on myself, and remember that I'm trying.  Even if I have to be a little more selfish and a lot more skeptical, at least I'll be trying.

"You have a disadvantage as an actor, because you're a young, Irish looking female, in Boston.  You have to prove that you're not like everyone else, and it's going to be hard for you.  But if you want to do it badly enough, you'll get there."

Ugh. Believe me, I know.