Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Things that every man should know before he attempts to date me...

In case you have ever thought about dating me, here is a list of pros vs. cons.  If this list scares you, then please cancel our plans immediately.
  1. Con: I embellish things and use run-on sentences  
    Pro: I'm told that I am a great storyteller, so my lack of grammar and brevity should be, at the very least, mildly to moderately entertaining. Sometimes I'm a riot.

  2. Con: I have zero patience for injustice, and sometimes will start a fight with a waitress over why my skinny margarita didn't cost the same as a regular margarita 
    Pro: I'm the one friend who will deliver your soon-to-be piece of shit ex-husband his restraining order papers. I will then relish every second of it, and I will sleep well at night with remembering the dumb look he had on his face when I did it. (And yes, I've done that.) 

  3. Con: If I fall in love with you, I need constant reassurance that you're still into me. When I'm alone for long periods of time and I don't hear from you for more than 7 hours, I'll think it's because you don't like me, or you died, or you are getting back together with your ex girlfriend. (2 out of 3 of these things have happened to me on more than one occasion.) This can usually be remedied with texts to tell me you're thinking about me, and telling me I'm pretty. A lot. 

    Pro: I've been told that I'm the most affectionate girlfriend that my past boyfriends have ever had. I will smother you with kisses on a regular basis, and sometimes make you cookies or buy you dumb keychains with your favorite superhero on them. I'm always thinking about ways to make you happy...

    ...and not want to leave me. 
  4. Con: I might drag you to social events that you don't want to go to, like an engagement party of friends of mine that you've never met. And Jesus fucking Christ please don't wear that sweatshirt you have with holes in the sleeves over a ninja fucking turtles tee shirt, so help me God...

    Pro: I will always look classy AF so even if you're bored, you'll know I'm wearing incredible lingerie underneath my dress that you will totally get to see later. You deserve it for enduring that painful conversation with the bride's cousin Cathy about her sick cat and her terrible desk job that no one actually gives a shit about.

  5. Con: If I'm seriously looking forward to something and then it doesn't happen, I'm devastated. Like, if we were talking for three weeks about going to Disney Land, and then it rains or one of us gets a terrible throat infection, I may bawl my eyes out. 

    Pro: You may never meet a lady my age who gets so overjoyed by seemingly small things, that she cries just a tiny bit. Bring me flowers for no reason, or show me a video of an army dad surprising his kids at Christmas, and I'm dead. It may actually entertain you to an incredible level because it's just fucking ridiculous. I'm like Kristen Bell when Dax Sheppard brought her a sloth for her birthday and she was in-fucking-consolable. Look it up, there's a video. That's me. She and I are basically twins. I enjoy life, mother fucker.

  6. Con: You should tell me to be at social engagements 15-30 minutes before you actually want me to be there. You may even start to quote my best friend Abby when I tell you I'll be there in 20 and ask, “Is that 20 minutes real time, or Pearl time?” 

    Pro: I will either look fabulous, or I brought you a present to make up for it. Or I stopped for coffee because I woke up late and I needed caffeine so I wouldn't bite your face off. You might be annoyed we missed the previews, but you still have a face... in tact.

  7. I often say I'm going to do things like clean my room or make a diaper cake for a baby shower, and either I forget about it completely, or it takes me about 2-3 times as long to get it done. 
    Pro: Whatever it is, I'm fabulous at working under pressure and you'll never know the difference in quality. 

    Second Pro: I'm also great at coming up with excuses.  Like that time that I forgot to call my doctor to renew my prescription, and he totally believed me that I was out of town for 3 weeks and was dealing with “personal emergencies”. Somehow this always works out for me. I will do my very best to not pass this very precarious trait onto our children...though if they possess my genes, it may be a blessing for their dumb lazy asses to be able to think on their feet.  I guarantee you they will forget to have either of us sign permission slips every. single. fucking. time. they. need. us. to.

  8.  Con: I have no idea if I want children, and will often say that I don't. At least, none from my own womb. I will probably ask you if instead,  you're ok with having several dogs. 
    Pro: I have 10 years for you to pull the goalie on me if we're married. I am also confident that I'd be the most excited and incredibly affectionate and encouraging mother that I could possibly be just like my mom. And the dogs will happen regardless.

  9. Con: I go through varying stages of wanting to be in comedy clubs every night, to being a weird reclusive hermit. Sometimes my ideal Friday night might just be staying in and drinking all the Trader Joe's wine I can find hiding in my house. 

    Pro: I'm a damn good cook, and you will be so grateful that I stayed in my pajamas for 7 hours on my day off, because I was preparing you the best fucking beef stew you've ever had in your adult life.

  10.  Con: My room is always a disaster. And sometimes I can't find important things that I need to leave the house with, like my phone, or my keys, or my sanity.
    Pro: Everywhere else is clean. The bathroom is sparkling, and I do not leave food around because I'm terrified of garbage and bugs...
     Oh, yeah, another con, I'm terrified of garbage and you may be asked to take it out for me... you're also my new designated bug killer. We can't go to sleep until that spider that we saw crawl under my dresser is dead. And there's no lying, I need to see bodily evidence.

  11.  Con: I like to drink, and probably more than most “adults” are used to, or non-Irish Catholics. I'm told that my super power is that most people can't tell the difference between sober and drunk me.
    Pro: I'm incredibly responsible, and I'm very tiny so I'm still a cheap date. Also, I'm totally able to keep my shit together and your mother won't notice that you and I got a nice buzz going during family dinner night. She'll probably think I'm just more pleasant than normal.

  12. Con: I'm horrible at making decisions. Sometimes it can be crippling for me to order from a waitress at a restaurant because I'm afraid of ordering the wrong thing. I also hate that they stare at you, waiting for you to say something. I might tell you, “This is what I want, order that for me when she gets here because I'm not allowed to change my mind.” 
    Pro: I'm fantastic at handling an emergency. Like when a child is injured on the sidewalk, I can immediately locate wipes and a bandaid from what would appear to be out of thin fucking air. I've also been asked several times to say the eulogy at family funerals, because I'm one of the few who can keep my shit together during a crisis.  Except for Auntie Nancy.  She's a stone-faced saint.

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