Saturday, December 1, 2012

oh christmas tree, oh christmas tree, why are you so depressing?

So it's December 1st.  It's a Saturday, and yet again I feel like I'm doing nothing with my life.  What did I do today realistically?  I filmed the finishing touches for a horror movie (my first full length film I've had a real role in) then I came home and did some research for my next youtube video I'm doing this week, and went out to a comedy show to see some of my friends.  And yet, here I am all of a sudden massively feeling as though I made a huge mistake in what I just typed and really accomplished nothing today.

Also I feel like an asshole because I was invited to a party tonight and forgot, but I have a fairly annoying head cold at the moment and probably would've drank myself into a really bad head cold if I had remembered, but that doesn't make me feel any less like a jerk and like I missed out on a lot of fun tonight...ugh.

I have a problem with feeling satisfied with myself.  I know everyone says that, but it's really true for me.  Do I make enough money?  Enough to get by, but I'm still considered poor.  Am I an actor for a living?  Yes, but I want to be in Hollywood.  Isn't my favorite time of the year Christmastime?  Of course, and somehow I feel awfully depressed at the same time every year.  So what's the issue here?  Like the saying goes, IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD, KID!

Right now, I'm sitting in my diningroom, thinking about how much of a failure my day was because I didn't record my youtube video.  Staring at my lit up Christmas tree as my only source of light aside from my computer screen, and trying not to kick myself over not doing it.  Instead, I got lost in watching other youtube videos whilst researching for mine, and my cold made me feel gross so I lost interest in recording for the day.  Will I still get my video out by Tuesday night?  Well I really hope so, I need to stay committed to this unlike all my other failed endeavors, like learning to play guitar beyond simple chords and knitting something better than a scarf.

Sometimes I feel like this blog is also a failed endeavor.  I don't want a vast audience, no that's not it, but I wish I posted more often than once in a blue moon, but I never want to post when I'm happy.  Why the hell am I so happy all the time that I can't be creative anymore?  I almost stopped writing music altogether after I met my boyfriend about a year ago, one song all year and I'm another failed guitar player who fucked around with it in college like every other emo kid with a broken heart and a notepad.  Instead I post funny pictures of babies on instagram and I'm skinnier than I've been in years because I stopped drinking away my feelings.  Thank God my comedy isn't self-deprecating, otherwise I'd stop being funny too!

I should be excited about Christmas.  I am, I mean I'm excited about it every time that I buy someone else a gift, and I'm excited about seeing my family and the next three weeks of holiday cheer.  I'm even excited about snowy days now that we're probably having a normal winter this year.  But I'm sad today.  Can I be sad today?  What right do I have to be sad?  I'm such a brat complaining about my life the way that it is.  But I felt stagnant this afternoon, like I wasn't able to do anything exciting with my entire life because it was all weighing on the lonely and lazy afternoon I had.

Christmas has always been connected with loneliness for me, and I can't seem to figure out why.  Maybe because my teen years were always boyfriendless and I never got a puppy from Santa like my mom predicted.  I think I posted about this last year, really I should be praying and thanking Jesus for this wonderful time of year, but instead I listen to Frank Sinatra's Christmas album and try not to tear up.  My boyfriend loves me and I don't know if I have all the time for a puppy that I should.  Yet here we are, India Pearl all sad and staring at her Christmas tree no matter how beautiful it is she can't love it for being so beautiful.  It's taunting me, and luring me into old habits of morbid reflection. Why did we put you up so soon, you twinkling plastic statue of sadness? Can't you go away until the 24th? I think you'd be better appreciated at a Macy's.

The problem with me is that I have a major issue with being by myself.  I don't necessarily mean relationship-wise, but any time at all.  If I'm alone at home for too long, I start to stare at the wall and make up things to be sad about.  I'll remember friends that I fought with and no longer speak to, or rehearse fights over in my head with my boyfriend from months ago and make up different parts of the conversation that I should've said differently and how I failed somehow, or I'll even think about a fight I had with my mother as a teenager and start to wonder how I could've yelled something to win a scrap with her.

One time I delved so deeply into my past anxieties, that I couldn't stop replaying an event that happened in my neighborhood when I was 7, with a girl who wouldn't stop picking on me and I started screaming in her face when she slapped me in front of everyone around us.  My mother saw the whole thing from the window and came to rescue me, told the girl's mother what happened, but the girl's white trash toothless idiot mother didn't give a crap!  She told my mother I should go play somewhere else and she shrugged her shoulders.  Even typing this out makes me want to scream at  her for being so unjust.  If I had been the slapper, my mother would've spanked my fanny until it was raw (not literally, just one of her beloved phrases to show how brutal it could've been if she had in fact ever raised her hand to our fannies. It was a very rare occasion that myself or my sisters' fannies were spanked). Ugh, I just want to punch that little girl and her mother in the face.

My point is, I can already feel myself slipping away into this depressing, past-depending behavior... and it's only December 1st!!  My season at the museum ended a month ago, it took me two weeks of relaxing to push my reset button and two weeks more to realize that the effects of change can only make me happy for so long.  For those of you who actively read my blog, you may notice that when I move somewhere or start something very new, it brings me great happiness... and then after about a month I start to realize that the feeling is only temporary, and I'm still very much insane.

I should've written a much funnier post about my high school reunion. Maybe next week.

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