Sunday, December 4, 2011

"Acting is happy agony" -- Jean-Paul Sartre

I have anxiety.  I've said this several times aloud, I've told many of my loved ones, and I've typed it many a time in this blog.  Ok, so I'm aware of the problem.  Sometimes, you can be perfectly aware of a problem but have no idea how to fix it. 

Today I got a phonecall from a therapist trying to "assess" me and see if I had depression or anxiety.  What, like I couldn't have both?  "India, you should seek someone in the Boston area  blah blah blah..."  Yeah, maybe if I had the time or if I cared enough to see someone.  I don't want to take a pill to solve my problems, I'm me for a reason and if a pill is going to change the way I think about things, how do I know it'll make me any better?

What if tomorrow I woke up and I didn't analyze things the way that I normally do?  What if I stopped being funny, or what if I couldn't write the way that I do anymore because my brain was messed with by a pill?  So I cry sometimes.  So I smoke cigarettes sometimes.  So I get anxious when I have a plan in my head and something small messes with it and I'm trying to react like a reasonable human and am having trouble doing that?  We all have problems.  At least I am aware of them and I know how to hide them.

I'm not good with surprises.  And I don't mean that I react badly to happy surprises, I mean that I don't know how to digest wrenches thrown into plans I make.  Even if they're plans I make in my own head.  My feelings get hurt far too easily and I have trouble not taking things personally.  I literally have to have a sit down with myself in my head and it goes something like this,
1) They're not coming over because they'd rather be doing something else than spend time with you.
2) No, you're wrong.  They have other things to do it's not as big of a deal to them as it is to you.
1) So they don't care about you, right?  You're not a priority to them to be with right now.
2) They have a life, just like I have a life.  I've blown people off or squeezed them in between things, too.
1) Don't act like your feelings are hurt.  They'll stop wanting to be around you if you act like a baby.
2) I'm not, I'm ok, really.  I'll find something else to do.  I'll pretend it's ok and then we'll have a better time next time they make the time for me.
1) They can see right through you. You're so needy and pathetic.
2)  I am not!  I do stuff on my own all the time, I'm fine then just like I'm fine now
1) You thought they were coming and now where are they?  Ignoring you.
2) Shut up!  They're not trying to hurt me, I'm just being a baby!

The back and forth goes on and on.  I'm crazy, but it's all in my head.  The logical side of me talks the depressed/anxiety ridden part of me out of being stupid.  I'm afraid sometimes that I'll push people away by letting them see how nutty I can be even when I know for a fact it's just a nutty reaction and I'm not convinced I'm right in any way when I have a spike of hurt feelings.  I'm so afraid of causing strife or separation, that I probably annoy people more by trying to smooth everything over and explain every feeling I'm having.

This is something I really have to work on personally, because I've been hurt by many friends and relationships in the past.  This year I have so many new friends and relationships, that it's somewhat of a mystery to me when they're genuine and faithful human beings.  When I get a compliment or an act/words of affirmation, I almost think it's a trick and I still have to tread lightly.

Maybe there's two people in all of us.  Most people are very good at compromising with themselves instead of battling.  I'm not so good.  I'd rather battle maybe.  Or maybe I don't know how else to cope.

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