Sunday, September 18, 2011

Something I have noticed (or not noticed)

I have somewhat been realizing that when I go go go for a long period of time, my days feel so rushed and anything I do while I'm doing it, (cooking dinner, having a conversation, doing comedy) it's over so fast that I barely remember it happening.  It's like I'm waiting to be done with everything, so much so that I don't take the time to be present and enjoy anything.  I don't even like being drunk anymore, because this effect is put into hyperdrive.  When drunk, it's almost like I'm pushing fast forward on my entire night and it was already going by very fast to begin with.

I find myself barely becoming engaged with anything, and when I think about the past few weeks, it seems like it all happened months ago.  Staying present in a moment is like grabbing onto something inches away that keeps inching further and further away until my brain gives up all hope of sanity.  It's scary, I think about how I don't remember things and enjoy the memory as if it were today, it's as if I think of something recent and struggle to feel as though it just happened because it's all cloudy.

I've felt this before, where I feel like I'm floating and barely conscious; am I overtired? anxious? dead and don't remember dying? having a mental breakdown? on drugs?

Well I'm alive, and I haven't had any anxiety lately, and I'm certainly not on drugs.  So overtired and mental breakdown seem to be going neck and neck.

My current theory is this:  I am alone A LOT throughout the day, and a lot throughout this past summer I was alone.  This is due to always going going and more going.  Go on the bus, go on the train, go to work, go to make a bottle, go to get something to eat, go to use your phone, go to dinner, go to the bar, go up onstage, go home, go to bed.  When I'm around other people it's so easy to be present, but I also find myself to be tired and I don't always have interest in keeping all the conversations that I have, and somehow want to just go to bed or do something else.  Then when I'm alone I'm upset with everything because my brain seems to be malfunctioning and I'm trying to remember someone's name I just met and if I had fun when I was at the comedy club.  Yes, it's that bad.

So I'm aware there is an issue, right?  Why am I not seeking help?  Because I have a distinct feeling that if this is related to being overtired or having some sort of crazy bipolar disorder, then I will have to be on meds for something and that will just make my floating feeling get even worse.  So then what?  Well, I find my mind much more snappy when I am conversing with others and around people, so my solution is to get out and force myself to be more social I suppose... thought I was doing enough already.  I've gotta be overtired, that's probably key here somewhere.  Isn't there something written somewhere that says your brain barely sucks in information when you're overtired?  So that's it then, right?  Or maybe I'm slipping away slowly but surely.  Who knows.  But it's very hard to find motivation to do anything lately and I'm very upset about that.

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