I think my head will someday fall off because of how many times it's spun around in astonishment.

(astonished or more like stunned... both are good words, but meant to convey the negative aspect)

England.  A place that I called home for three months.  I was dreaming about Canterbury a couple weeks ago, and woke up realizing how much I really did miss it.  I missed home while I was there, but for the wrong reasons.  Now I miss it here because of my friends.  You have no idea how much of a catch22 my spring break turned out to be.

When returning to Park Wood, I approached my old flat and the thought entered my mind, "I'm home!"  Except when I got in the door, my room was foreign territory.  I slept in Laicia's room, and another girl had taken my place.  Such a strange feeling.  We sat in the kitchen drinking wine, cooking food, I baked cookies; it was just like before... but Kimmy and Carlo weren't there, and as much as Callie and Kristyn were lovely girls I was just so sad.  I felt awkward and like I didn't belong anymore, all while feeling I was home and everything was normal and I should be staying.

I had the familiar feeling from when I got back to UMass.  Every friend that I ran into was so happy to see me, and we were both sad that I was no longer around.  The number one question was, "Are things good at your Uni back in America?" and all I could say was, "No, I wish I had been able to stay."  The only difference was that when I went back to UMass not everyone followed through with missing me.  I think almost everyone made the attempt to get together at Kent, and I had nice lunches and sleepovers with my best friends. 

Now don't get me wrong, I love my friends, I love Navigators, I love my house and the dog and what not... but I hate Amherst because I'm so sick of it and I can't stand going to class anymore.  I'm so ready to be out of there I considered becoming an illegal alien out here.  (Disclosure: Homeland Security is advised discard that last sentence, as it is the desperate rant of a misplaced college student).

This morning I said goodbye to University of Kent after saying countless goodbyes to friends throughout the week.  I think it was good closure, as last time I felt rather ripped from my habitat and it was just too soon.  But I could barely enjoy my visit this week, because the entire time all I could think of was when I had to leave.  Another symptom of my unbalanced train of thought.  I can't just be in the moment; I'm always worried about the outcome, or what happens later.  Maybe we're all like that.  Maybe you were or are like that.

We already had our closure, and this time I came back not thinking it mattered that I would be in town.  We may never meet again, but who knows.  Anyway, I'm not the only disappointed one.  Just ask around.

More real details about the week to come; I'm still in London for the weekend and I'm just devastated that Laic is in Amsterdam without me.  Stupid Eurostar running out of tickets. Effffffff