Something I have noticed (or not noticed)

I have somewhat been realizing that when I go go go for a long period of time, my days feel so rushed and anything I do while I'm doing it, (cooking dinner, having a conversation, doing comedy) it's over so fast that I barely remember it happening.  It's like I'm waiting to be done with everything, so much so that I don't take the time to be present and enjoy anything.  I don't even like being drunk anymore, because this effect is put into hyperdrive.  When drunk, it's almost like I'm pushing fast forward on my entire night and it was already going by very fast to begin with.

I find myself barely becoming engaged with anything, and when I think about the past few weeks, it seems like it all happened months ago.  Staying present in a moment is like grabbing onto something inches away that keeps inching further and further away until my brain gives up all hope of sanity.  It's scary, I think about how I don't remember things and enjoy the memory as if it were today, it's as if I think of something recent and struggle to feel as though it just happened because it's all cloudy.

I've felt this before, where I feel like I'm floating and barely conscious; am I overtired? anxious? dead and don't remember dying? having a mental breakdown? on drugs?

Well I'm alive, and I haven't had any anxiety lately, and I'm certainly not on drugs.  So overtired and mental breakdown seem to be going neck and neck.

My current theory is this:  I am alone A LOT throughout the day, and a lot throughout this past summer I was alone.  This is due to always going going and more going.  Go on the bus, go on the train, go to work, go to make a bottle, go to get something to eat, go to use your phone, go to dinner, go to the bar, go up onstage, go home, go to bed.  When I'm around other people it's so easy to be present, but I also find myself to be tired and I don't always have interest in keeping all the conversations that I have, and somehow want to just go to bed or do something else.  Then when I'm alone I'm upset with everything because my brain seems to be malfunctioning and I'm trying to remember someone's name I just met and if I had fun when I was at the comedy club.  Yes, it's that bad.

So I'm aware there is an issue, right?  Why am I not seeking help?  Because I have a distinct feeling that if this is related to being overtired or having some sort of crazy bipolar disorder, then I will have to be on meds for something and that will just make my floating feeling get even worse.  So then what?  Well, I find my mind much more snappy when I am conversing with others and around people, so my solution is to get out and force myself to be more social I suppose... thought I was doing enough already.  I've gotta be overtired, that's probably key here somewhere.  Isn't there something written somewhere that says your brain barely sucks in information when you're overtired?  So that's it then, right?  Or maybe I'm slipping away slowly but surely.  Who knows.  But it's very hard to find motivation to do anything lately and I'm very upset about that.

your dreams can tell you things

I have a history of having dreams about people or events and then feeling as though it were God telling me something.  Afterwards I'll wake up, have a sinking feeling in my stomach because I probably know exactly why I had that dream in the first place.   I've also had many dreams that have taken place in another period of time, a huge reason why I'm a Christian, some people call it dejavous. 

When a person is the subject of a dream I have, there aren't usually any special circumstances or a dialogue that happens between us.  They're always just sort of... there.  We're hanging out, or maybe I realize I haven't seen them in a while and we hug.  I've had occurrences where I only see them standing there and smiling at me, but the smile always seems to be saying to me, "Hey, remember me?  You forgot for a little, but I'm still around and we should catch up."  And I wake up with a pangs of something, maybe nostalgia, guilt, or even just missing them a little.

I think it's a mix between my personal preference to avoid losing touch with my friends, like, ever.  And I'm serious, because my longest friend is from kindergarten.  I would hate to see her in ten years and say, "Oh we haven't even spoken during that period of time."  This week I had a mixture of old friends and newerish friends with me on a mini vacation, and I couldn't have been happier.  It just goes to show how truly amazing my friends are to mutually want to continue our friendship.  But getting back to dreams...

The other night I dreamed that I was at my home church, Millbury Federated.  I saw that the church choir was missing a member, and I wanted to be in it.  They said, "Sure, Tuesday night we're just having a small audition process, you should totally come!" So while I'm thinking I have an "in", I show up and it's like frickin American Idol!  Hundreds of people are lining up around the stairwells of the church waiting to try out for the church choir, including a large group of gospel singing high school students from a southern background.  I felt horrible, like I couldn't ever do it, like I sucked and didn't have a chance.  There were too many others there, and I would never be in that choir.  I tried practicing songs, and I forgot all of the words.  They kept telling me I was next in line, but people kept cutting me and trying out before I even had a chance.  The judges were going to sit near the altar, and our audition was up in the balcony, which makes perfect sense right?! This dream was absolutely ridiculous.

Suddenly, I remembered all the words to a worship song that I love to sing because it's beautiful and says all the things I wish I could've thought up to say.  Right when I was feeling confident, I woke up.  Maybe that was God's way of saying, "Hey, you're gonna be ok you just have to trust Me and yourself."  Geez, I hope so.

lessons of trust

I have a hard time trusting people.  I think it's because I used to feel like I could trust anyone, and I've gotten screwed too many times to delve into the behavior again.  I learn hard lessons between always wanting to see the best in people, wanting to believe that everyone is inherently good or friendly, that I can connect with people and make lasting friendships or connections, and then having relationships not work out and fizzle, or having friends do shitty things to you, or trusting when someone says they'll do you a favor or stay in touch, and then they simply disappear.

This week I have been severely questioning my own ability of skepticism.  Maybe I need to be more critical of others and their words.  Maybe when someone says, "Hey I know so and so at this theater," or "You should call me because I want to help you out and connect you with this casting person for such and such commercial blah blah blah"  Even non career-related connections where you think you'll become good friends with someone you just met and you can't really be sure if they mean what they say.  Maybe people do mean what they say, but their lives are too busy and you're too new in their life to matter as much as other things.  I guess we've all done it to someone at some point where we couldn't come through on a favor or a promise because we don't consider it vital to do so.  But what happens to the person we slowly forgot?

I find in this business, I am going to have to not let myself initially believe what people tell me until I have some sort of proof.  I can't let myself depend on a favor or someone simply saying that they will help me out or they have something for me.  This sounds negative and sucky, but it's more like I'm growing up a little bit with each month that passes since my moving to the city.  You can't put all your eggs in one basket, and you shouldn't, because there are more baskets than you think if you keep looking for them.  And most of the time you'll lose those eggs when the basket is given to someone else.

I guess I just have to keep crossing my fingers that things don't keep seeming as though they're in my favor and I have prospects, and that I really will actually have fucking prospects.  In a slight moment of anger, instead of excusing a behavior that I probably have had in the past as well just like everyone else, I think that it's actually really fucking rude to not keep your word to someone.  I'm pretty sure the bible says something about meaning what you say to people.

But instead I'll just move on I suppose, work my job, look for opportunities, take another acting class, keep involved, keep on my feet, not get too down on myself, and remember that I'm trying.  Even if I have to be a little more selfish and a lot more skeptical, at least I'll be trying.

"You have a disadvantage as an actor, because you're a young, Irish looking female, in Boston.  You have to prove that you're not like everyone else, and it's going to be hard for you.  But if you want to do it badly enough, you'll get there."

Ugh. Believe me, I know.

swiss cheese hearts attract menacing rats

swiss cheese hearts attract the most menacing rats
they have no heart, they have no tact
only teeth that grow and grow and nibble more holes into your empty soul

...Sounds like a start to a very depressing song.  I'm good at that.  Writing depressing songs and coming up with lyrics in a thirty second whim.  For those of you who keep track of my blog and read it on a regular basis, you'll slowly start to figure out a pattern that I have.  I go to a new place, I get really excited about going there, getting started, I feel refreshed, new, reborn, in love with life, and overall joyful.  Then after about a month I start to worry, and then a month after that I slip into my own head, get lost in my own thoughts, and have crippling bouts of nostalgia.

While I am incredibly aware of the unhealthy patterns my brain decides to go through, I am reminded of something that a pastor said to myself and some other youths a long time ago:  "Why would I want to give my wife a heart full of holes?" and that never left my mind.  As I dip into the duldrums of morbid reflection, and tumble deep into the catacombs of my past, I sense the same pattern repeating over and over and over again.  So as I start to reflect on how my heart is full of holes because of all the shitty relationships I've been in, some happy and then ending abruptly, some horrible and ending like a slowly screeching car wreck, I can't stop thinking about what went wrong and why.  Then I snowball that negativity into other areas of my life and I feel like nothing will ever work out and my life absolutely sucks.

What the heck is my problem?!  God is going to continue to shove the hard lesson of patience in my face until I get the picture.  There is no perfect place to live, there is no perfect job, there is no perfect man who will make all my fears and worries disappear.  I am an emotionally fucked up human being, and my life will only be perfect when I stop to heal all my brokenness.  I go go go go GO GO GO so much so that I don't have to think about the fact that I'm not always very happy.  My schedule is so packed that I barely sleep, because I hate being alone all by myself late at night and getting caught up in my own thoughts.  Haunting thoughts that say, "you're alone" "you're never going to be an actor" "you're never going to finish that book" "you're going to end up 30 and in the same place you are now" "(literally any past relationship's name inserted) was too good for you" "(insert random lost friendship) was your fault because you didn't try hard enough"

My. brain. won't. stop. killing. me. inside.

My dear friend listened to me cry on the phone tonight; a friend that used to be one of my failed relationships, turned into one of the most amazing people that I know and we equally confide in each other about how much our lives can suck sometimes.  Then again, I think we're both so positive about other people's lives working out because SOMETHING has to make up for ours not always working the way we want them to, and then we say the most encouraging things possible to uplift each other's spirits.  I'm going to miss his words of wisdom, and he'll miss mine as he is on his way to the Peace Corps this week.   Good friends that keep in touch are hard to come by these days.

I need prayer, and I need to meditate and calm the fuck down so I can focus long enough to figure out how to reach my goals so I'll stop worrying all. the. time.
...and I need to slow down a little so I'm not always going.  Go go go doesn't exactly help me practice guitar or write.






In other news, I lost five pounds and I fit into my clothes again so at least my body isn't another awful part of my issues at this moment in time.  I can only handle so many things on my list of "things to obsess over at one in the morning".

eating healthy should be affordable... oh wait, it is.

Now, when i was a kid we didnt have much to live on. Somehow my mother was the penny pinching queen and only bought things when she absolutely had to. I remember her saying that a can of soup and grilled cheese was sometimes dinner, but we were so little that we didn't complain or care much. Regarding myself, I don't have the same frugality that I maybe should have, but it is quite similar. My food shopping habits still tend to lean towards buying things I may use next week because it was on sale; a trait most women find hard to resist.

My whole point is that even though I am currently living as an intern and an out of work actress, I see no reason to stop eating healthy and cheaply. This post is dedicated to the wonderful world known as: Trader Joe's.

I didn't always know about this place. Well, I suppose I just didn't know how inexpensive it was until I started shopping for myself! You could say I have shopped at my fair share of Super Walmarts, and I even gave MarketBasket a try. But who could resist the idea that organic produce and well prepared commodities would be in the same price range?

The enemy in the situation where people seem to be unaware as to how affordable this store is, is the idea that "organic means expensive" or that "healthier equals bigger cost" is the idea presented by smaller snobby healthfood stores with waterfall machines and socalled expert homeopathic staff members that make you feel bad for waking up without meditating or having a cup of coffee instead of herbal healing organic tea. There are also the larger monopolizing corporations such as the evil that is Whole Foods.

Whole Foods is so much more of a significant expense than I deem necessary, that I don't even bother shopping there on a rare occasion.  I find it ridiculous that my block of extra firm tofu should ever be more than two bucks, and that they just slap the word organic on a leafy green decorated label which automatically puts the marketing idea into a consumer's noggin that they are putting in more of their dollar for a higher value and investing in their body.  Places such as Trader Joes or even the local supermarket have the same products for less cost without using fancy tricks such as a nice setting or superstore appeal.

A few weeks ago I went into my local meat market. They have a a reasonable selection of produce, and any cut of met you could think of, for a ridiculously low cost.  One of my original reasons for going forward with my vegetarianism was because the cost of meat at the supermarket vs the cost of substitutive proteins.  That whole idea was debunked when i saw chicken breast for 99cents/lbs.  I could go on, but essentially buying local meat from a market or the butcher saves money and its certainly better for you just based on the fact that you can see the quality being freshly produced before your eyes.  Perdue will not be in my grilling future so long as lovely family owned places like McKinnons remain in business.

Not wanting to go on forever, my last point would be that food stamps are now accepted at the farmers market!  Where else can you get high quality farm grown cheap veg and comodities for an affordable rate?  I would urge anyone to put down the potato chips and go pick up some local spuds any day of the week.  The system can work for those less fortunate, without them ever having to pick up another can of spaghettios.  I can only hope that people explore their options and local food marts, or places like Traders, before resolving to frozen and canned because they are either unaware or its simply the easy route.  Who's with me?

Ted... story line reminds me of my favorite childhood film Drop Dead Fred hmm where'd you get the idea Mr. MacFarlane??

So there I was, planning my day and how I had to go back to Boston because of load in tomorrow (theater-lingo for building the set in essentially twelve hours) when the beautiful and lovely internet/text updates from Boston Casting alerted me to extras needed this evening for an upcoming Mark Wahlberg film.  Seth MacFarlane wrote/is directing the comedy, so obviously I wanted to go check this out.  A free concert at the Charles Esplanade?  Why thank you kindly, I think I shall partake.  Here was my experience of this wonderful evening where I spent my first time on a real movie set....

Lights, cameras   ...and not a whole lot of action.  This is the speed of movie sets.  You move a light, you move a lens, you see how that looks.  You have someone "stand-in" (they're called stand-ins) for who knows how long so they can see exactly how it'll show up on the camera, and basically everything is sitting and waiting, sitting and waiting, and then it's lights, camera... three takes of about 30 seconds to 2 minutes apiece.  This is all trivial stuff I learned in film school, but interesting to see nonetheless. I figured we'd be sitting for a while and be bored out of our skulls until Norah Jones would come out to do her thing with Marky Mark.

THEN I saw him!!  And I don't mean Mark Wahlberg, because let's be honest here people, it's Boston.  He's from here, I'm not wetting my pants over it, granted he is pretty fucking cool with his "I'm a Bostonian and we invented laid back Nor-east cool" swag, but I'm talking about someone that I truly would die to sit down for lunch with and pick his brain:  Seth MacFarlane.  (aside from brain picking, he's just so darn cute) I looked over to my right, and felt my stomach turn in knots as I realized I would be within fifty feet or so from him for the remainder of the evening.  I could literally see right into his station with the monitors and his posse, and I thought I may either vomit or die of happiness.

That's right ladies and gentlemen, I wasn't drooling over the underwear model, because my knees were turning to mush as Seth did his cartoon voices to entertain the extras and give directions over the V.O.G. mic.  My life was made complete, and I never wanted to leave.  I wish I could've worked on this film every flippin day this week, I was so giddy like a freakin 16 year old girl just being able to stand there!  You know how those freaks in the movies would scream and faint when Elvis came onstage?  Yeah that was a little close to me, except my gut reminded me that if I want to get into this business I have to get over star-struck-lights-camera-action-oh-my-gawd-I'm-really-on-a-movie-set fever QUICK.  Hey, I want to be a comedian, right?  Famiy Guy is part of American pop culture and he's a smart and hilarious dude.  So why shouldn't I be impressed by the fact that I got to watch the guy at work??

And this also hit me during my pangs of excitement:  
If I don't make it as an actor/comedian/whatever, I will never be able to look at myself in the mirror ten years down the road.  I've said this a million times when I'm feeling down and whathaveyou, but tonight was so motivating.  The energy and realization of that "ah-hah!" moment was astounding.  In the thick of it all, as I edged closer to the crew and gawked at their lingo I had that moment that not everyone has in their lives that said, "I WANT TO DO THIS AND I WILL DIE IF I DON'T!"  Do you know how many people think of themselves as empty human beings because nothing ever moves them to the point of an innate inner need to take part?  That's how you know where you belong, man!!!  My five-year-old self was screaming at the top of her lungs, "I want to be in movies!" louder than I've ever heard her scream before.

...now if I could just figure out how the HELL I'm gonna do that, there's my first step.

(only shitty part is public transit ends at 12:30 so I had to leave farrrrrr too early *tear*)

"be careful when you're flying..."

That's what a stranger said to me a while back when my bike wheel was broken.  He said, "be careful when you're flying" and it sticks in the back of my mind and reaches down to jab my gut every time I think things are going really well.  I've said it before and I'll quote Charlie Brown yet again when I say, "I think I'm afraid of being happy because whenever I get too happy something bad always happens."  It's sadly the everyday that is my life.


Don't get me started on how my dating life is relevant to this philosophy, but rather now I'll mention the fact that I thought I had a really great waitressing job at a sports bar, and I was telling all my friends and family how much I loved it, I was making great tips, and it was one of the best jobs I've ever had.  What do you know?  One bratty waitress seems to get colder to me the nicer I am to her, and another of which that I offer to take a shift for or babysit for because I'm that nice, barks at me and tattles on me that I'm doing a shitty job when maybe it would've been nice of her to explain to me like a human what I was doing wrong in the first place before getting my ass in a bad opinion of others.  This is why I hate girls and I don't trust people.


My manager literally couldn't name specific reasons as to what I was doing wrong when I asked him to, because when he tried to I was explaining my side of things right off the bat in a clear and concise manner.  "You're not fired," he says, "we're just looking for that extra bit of hussle... you're smart, you get along with everyone, you know the computer well, you've really put in an effort blah blah blah bla..."  nothing he was really saying could match up well with my questions.  And if another restaurant called he would recommend me?!  Didn't quite get why you wouldn't want to keep me, then.  "We're unable to focus the time to train you more properly to fit in here." "When you hired me, you said you wanted girls with less experience so you COULD train them to how things work around here." He had nothing to say to that, except that other waitresses felt I didn't fit in.  Well that explains it all, doesn't it?


Oh, and of course there's girls who took my picture at the bar when I was out with them and texted my "bad behavior" or whatever they would call a night out with the girls, to the manager.  Yep, don't trust any bitches you haven't known since middle school, pretty much that's my motto save for a handful of people.  And never get too comfortable with anyone, 'cause people will end up failing you most of the time.  I'm amazed at how naive I can be.